The things you keep secret on the inside

Untitled Part 1

Why did I hate myself for so long. It wasn't my fault it was never my fault.. But perhaps it was easier to hate my self rather than the ones around me. How can you go living a life hating people around you that you think or know did something horrible. It would be unbearable, you would maybe think most couldnt bear it. It was unbearable. But you just gotta convince your self it didnt happen and that it was all in your head and hate yourself all the while. But why hate my self still it wasnt my fault and i know that now. The one thing you know happened because you where old enough to recall what was going on. But why not fucking stop it from happening. You know its going to fuck your head up bad in the future. So why not stop it. He should have never asked he should had never said those things. What was wrong with me. Why.. The two things you cant quite remember and are sure you made up. But your not sure. And a certain someone tells you it was someone. It never could be. It breaks your heart. Even though its not your fault it breaks your heart. And this is why I dont think about it. Because of this pain in my chest it hurts. But i am okay it is not my fault. Also your still thinking perhaps it never happend but then the certain someone tells you it was someone it could never possible be. So it makes you question that it did happen. When you know who it was. Which is not the one the certain someone says it is.. Ahhh i will never send or publish this.... I wish..... Thats the second memory. Did it happen though. Is it a memory?