This is my 1st story so dont Judge lol
it began quite possibly with Nancy Drew.
there she was.
her father Carson was a lawyer and her boyfriend Ned always wore a suit.
she solved mysteries.
in particular I remember The Secret in the Old Attic. there she was, her hands tied behind her back, her feet tied together, thrown on the floor of a deserted attic in the middle of the night. that was because she had singlehandedly and against all odds discovered the murderous villain who had committed unspeakable crimes. I cant remember what they were but Nancy never underestimated or overestimated. he wanted to kill her so (it seemed absolutely logical then) he locked her in a pitch black attic with a black widow spider. there she was, on the floor, struggling and twisting, at any moment, any wrong move, she would be bitten by the black widow spider and die a slow, lingering, agonizing death. she wasnt even afraid.
me, I was terrified. I had learned to be terrified in the 2nd grade, Mrs. (as we said then) Jones class, when we did a science project-- the boys did theirs on spiders, we did ours on seashells. every time the boys discovered a new poisonous or even a very ugly non-poisonous spider they made creepy sounds. for about 8 years I always felt at the foot of my bed for spiders and wore socks. naturally I was relieved when, on the last page, Carson and Ned flung open the door to the attic, turned on the light, and stomped on the black widow spider which was just inches from her brave, abused body. she never even screamed or cried.
there were also, of course, Cherry Ames Student Nurse and Ginny Gordon Detective and Flossie of the Bobbsey Twins and Nan who was I think another Bobbsey Twin (there were 2 sets). they always had adventures and went out at night and had boyfriends and were rescued just in the nick of time. they werent much as heroes go but they were all I had.
sometime about the 6th grade I got into the heavy stuff. Scarlett O'Hara and Marjorie Morningstar. I read Gone with the Wind at least 22 times. I had total visual recall of every page. I could open it up at will to any episode and begin crying immediately. I would sit in my room, door locked, and cry--tears streaming down my cheeks, body racked in agony. but quietly so my mother wouldnt hear and take the book away. when Rhett carried her up those stairs. "My dear, I don't give a damn," he said when finally, at last, she begged. when Ashley almost died. when Tara was burned to the ground. how Scarlett suffered and how I suffered. we were the same really. both women of greatness. I saw my grand white house in rubble, myself in ashes and sackcloth, destitute, humiliated. my slaves loved me (here I quivered, knowing even then I was a jerk) and were forced to leave. Rhett. Rhett. I was her, and I was him, and I was her being cruel to him, and him being cruel to her, and all of us, suffering, heroic, driven. by History no less. Melanie, or Melody, or whatever her name was, pale, dull, and well behaved under every circumstance, appalled me. I skipped all the parts she was in.
Marjorie. the thrill of eating bacon for the 1st time. of course I had eaten bacon all my life. I just hadnt ever before known how dangerous it really was. Noel Airman. An Actor. soon he would be balding, thats how old and evil he was. danger. sex. I could feel his creepy decadence. I looked for it everywhere. I couldnt find it in the grammar school I went to. he would corrupt her. he would corrupt me. somewhere in the world there was a Noel Airman waiting to do some dirty thing to me--IT they called it--that would degrade me. I would never be able to be with decent people again. I might even go to Hell. I would be an artist. I would be able to feel. I would know everything. I ignored the 2nd part of the book where she married that jerk. none of that for me. keeping kosher indeed.
also that same year. A.F. fell in love with me. he gave me a wooden snake. I was supposed to scream in horror so I did even though I quite liked it and later named it Herman. he wouldnt let me play with the other boys. he grabbed my arms and pulled me out of all the games. also Joel Christian and Agnes. he was at least 19. they necked all the time. everywhere. during recess. they expelled him but she got pregnant anyway.
