Sleepless

1

At 2:02 a.m. you would think everyone would be asleep, except maybe the graveyard shift workers. Yet, she lay in her bed wide awake. No one texting her, no phone in hand, no coffee drank before she went to bed, nothin to keep her up. Yet, she's awake. She's laying there thinking about life, about that one day she laughed at that one joke. Not even thinking about anything that means much tonight. She may even think about the picture she drew instead of doing her homework. Nothing of relevance at the moment. But she stays up and thinks, stays up and contemplates everything.

2:08 am, still awake and laying there. Starting to feel tired. As she does, she becomes more aware of her surroundings, more aware of what she feels physically. Trying not to start thinking about how or what she feels inside. She knows she'll never sleep if she thinks about that.

But then the headache begins to cause pain in the front of her head and she shuts her eyes. Even with her eyes closed, her mind wanders off and goes on adventures when she tries to rest.

2:15 am, eyes closed and mind wandering, she begins to think of dreams she wants to have. About a boy she loves, a girl she misses, and a pet she can't live without. The images are in her mind, but her eyes won't see them. They do not play like a movie in the scream she calls her dreams. Instead it's dark. It's everything that makes her feel alone. Trying to change it, she thinks of a reasonable dream, a dream she had before. Still it does not work and she opens her eyes again. This time there is a deeper darkness to the dark room, a colder loneliness to her bed, and a more longing desire in her heart for more.

If she leaves her bed, she leaves what feels like an obligation. If she leaves her room, she leaves what feels safe. And if she walks out the front door, she leaves everything that she knows. A risk, a thrill, but a danger.

2:20am, and the minutes are going by slow. The hours ticking like snails sliding along a sidewalk. Everything seems dull, slow, and lonely. Maybe she'll see that boy. But he's fast asleep for school in the morning. Maybe she'll call the girl, but she's also asleep. Maybe she can play with her pet, but everyone else is asleep in the house.

Laying there, she's trapped by the loneliness and thoughts that make her feel like she's going to drown. Drowning in feelings in which she wishes she didn't feel. Sadness creeping up inside her as if she were a bottle filling with water.

If she stays awake all night she will be tired, but if she sleeps now she may not wake up at the time she wants to. As she lays there pondering, as the minutes go by slow, her mind falls into a rabbit hole from which it can't escape. Her feelings have crossed her mind and now won't leave her thoughts.

Sleep seems impossible now. With an unclear mind and an unsatisfied heart, she lays there looking at the ceiling. Maybe she will think herself to death. As if she didn't already feel dead enough.

A shower would clear her mind she thinks as she goes and turns on the water. But it's not the shower that stops her thinking. It's the slip that ended everything.