Thoughts of the night

My perspective

"It feels as if it's getting harder and harder to breathe each day. It's like my whole world is crumbling. Every time I try to hold up the shattering sky, it's with something destructive to me; drugs, alcohol, harm to myself. Even so, it's the only thing I can grasp and actually hold up. So here I am, left with the bruises from holding these elements up, while my world still shatters, cutting into my skin and leaving me weak. 

People tell me that things can be fixed and the jigsaw that is my life can be put back together but when you feel this way, you just want to leave. You want to remove those elements from your shaking hands and let go, letting the whole weight of the world destroy you entirely.

They've tried to put together the pieces, but you're fighting a losing battle when all the pieces have lost their colour. All blank, meaning nothing, fitting nowhere. Over time, people have realised it's hopeless. They've found easier people to talk to and spend their time with. I don't blame them; I don't like being around me either. I'm a drain. My presence is intoxicating and makes it so hard to breathe.

I look in this mirror sometimes and I don't even know who this person is. I look down at myself, but this body isn't mine. It's like my body has already evicted my mind, letting it wander. I've turned into a thought process, an existence. This body is merely the vessel holding me in. Who is this? It's not Layne anymore. This body isn't mine... no body is my body. 

I'd like to just cut off my breathing. It doesn't have to be a huge affair. I'd just like to stop existing. No more failed attempts, no drama. Just disappear."