If I could, I would

If my love.......

When I had my children I thought love would be the most important things they would need to help them through life. If it were only about the depth of my love for them there would be no doubt that they all would be the best at everything with no issues, struggles, or self-doubt. My depth of love for them unfortunately did not cure all. In particular I think of my second son who has struggled with life in all ways and in all form for many years.

Starting with school suspensions, expulsions, rehabs, counselors, and even a stint in jail a time or two. Each hurdle to overcome and each setback I loved him through it, not always easy or fun but my love would never waiver ever. As he started to grow up and finally graduate from high school after six years, I felt in ways I could finally exhale and breath a little easier. I felt we had reached a passage of rites and that he would start to change his ways and grow up a bit more. At times he would seem to be moving forward and then slip back, common for most who struggle with addiction.

Each setback and each problem all I could do was take it minute by minute and hope and pray that the next day would be a better day for all involved, and that somehow he would realize that what he was doing to himself was also being done in ways to those who loved him. Christmas 2014 he unexpectedly brought home a new girlfriend, she in ways clicked with us all and they were joined at the hip. Weeks later she was at the house night and day and they seemed to be growing very close and falling in love quite fast.

I hoped in ways she somehow would calm him down and settle his addictions and with her love and care and companionship and he did settle down a bit but not without another short time in jail. After that last time in jail, he asked her to have his child because he felt his time on earth would be a short one and he wanted a piece of him to continue for me and her, and the rest of his family. A few weeks later she called me to let me know she was pregnant with his child. In ways this was a blessing in disguise and in ways the birth of their son has been just that.

I thought that such a major occurrence in his life would change him and make him realize that importance of straightening up his life, and getting his ducks in a row. This did happen at times, and in ways he still struggles . I see this young man trying to be a father to his son, a partner to his girlfriend, a provider for them all, a son to his parents, a brother to his siblings and a soul searching to find his way out of a maze of uncertainty, confusion, and fear, but mostly I see his love for this little being he and she have created out of young love, and I only can pray that on day he will find it with himself to be the man I know he can be.

The little boy who struggled so much and still on a day to day basis fights to be the man he wants to be, but is unsure how to stay on track and how to overcome the demons that fight him every step of the way. If my love was all that it takes he would not only be the man I know he can become, but be the father he so wants to be.

written by L