So today I'm starting to realize that every time I end up steping up to try to be someone's hero I let them down. People count on me and I let them down, I don't understand why it is people count on me or trust me. What I say I stand for is exactly what I stand for and yet it seems like I'm never able to actually do what it is I aim to. I'm starting to doubt everything I ever thought I knew about myself because of the events that have taken place this year. And more often than not I find myself wishing that I could walk away from everything. I want all of it to go away, every stress and every ounce of pain. I've got a lot of problems I'd rather not deal with, but then everyone does right? So why am I complaining about mine.
For some reason I can't seem to let my issues go. I feel like everytime I go to do anything I'm letting a new person down. Just today my friend found out from me why I got expelled this year and now she trusts me a little bit less. One mistake and everyone around me loses faith in me and it kills me because I know it was all my fault. I hurt all my friends and worse still I hurt the person who meant the most to me at the time. If I could stop myself from doing what I did I would. I didn't break a law just someone's heart and if there were anyway for me to fix that I would no matter what it took.
Now though at least there is someone new that I care about, she is great. She is smart she is funny and good looking. But I'm afraid. . . afraid I'll let her down again like I did with the last girl I cared about and I"m not willing to do that again. How can I hope that this girl will trust me enough to let me be with her when I can't even trust myself. I wish I had other options other places to go other things I could do to just avoid it all but I can't. I won't run I have to face my problems. I have to stop being a coward especially for her.
". . . She makes me a better whatever the hell it is I am. A less stupid person. A more conciderate monster." -Richard Kadrey's Sandman Slim.
