Second Shot

Chapter one: The Jamie Alexander Show.

"Hello and welcome back to the Jamie Hamilton show!" A charismatic man smiled to the camera, then he looked to the group of men on the couch next to him. "Here with me tonight is the band Ashes of Avishian. With the members themselves: Jett Marshall, Bennett Powell, Grayson Underwood, Hunter Carey, and Ryder Patton. It's nice to have you guys here." Jamie Hamilton said after the applause and cheers from the audience died down.

"It's an honor to be here, Jamie." Grayson smiled as he crossed one leg over the other. "We wouldn't have dreamed in a million years we'd be here on this stage."

"Congrats on releasing your new album by the way." Jamie Hamilton clapped shortly followed by another uproar of cheers from the audience. "I heard it's become the number one downloaded album on ITunes."

"Thank you Jamie. It took awhile and a lot of manly tears to get it done but we did it." Hunter joked, gaining a few laughs from the crowd.

"I understand it's been an emotional process creating this album." Jamie Hamilton nodded. "Would you care to share about how so?" The audience waited anxiously, but quietly on the edge of their seats.

"Uh, yeah, it's been a rough few months for us. The most emotional song we worked on for the album, to me at least, is our song 'Feelings she'd Rather not Share'." Ryder scratched his nose with his thumb. "But it got cut last minute because I felt that it was too insensitive to include."

"Oh? What makes you say that?" Jamie Hamilton asked, making Ryder lick his lips nervously.

"It's uh, because it's about my sister who passed away when she was eighteen." Ryder tucked a piece of his hair behind his ear. He jumped slightly when he felt Bennett clasp a reassuring hand on Ryder's shoulder. "I really can't take credit for the song since she technically wrote it." He began to explain. "She wrote it before she died."

"What was her name and how did she pass? If you don't mind me asking." Jamie Hamilton asked, his voice hushed in an understanding tone.

"Her name was Nina and she killed herself one day after she came home from school." Ryder struggled to get out. "She would have turned twenty three last month." A stunned and sullen silence came over the crowd.

"My condolences for your loss, Ryder." Jamie Hamilton nodded in sincerity. "I'm sorry for intruding on such a sensitive topic for you."

"It's alright, you didn't know." Ryder bit the inside of his lip to key his mind occupied.

"So, am I wrong to assume that when you said it was something she wrote before she died, it's actually..." Jamie Hamilton trailed off.

"Her suicide note?" Ryder asked, the tone in his voice was somewhat dark. "Yeah, it was her suicide note." He then began to pull something out of his front pocket of his dark, ripped skinny jeans. He looked at it once he took it out, unfolded a piece of paper well worn from being folded and unfolded again, and put it on Jamie Hamilton's desk.

"Do you mind if I read it out loud?" Jamie Hamilton gently held the fragile piece of paper in his hand. Ryder nodded solemnly and crossed his left leg over his right.

Dear whoever,

The bad thoughts make it impossible to pay attention, and I'm screaming for help but no one seems to hear or even listen.

I'm panicking.

I feel my life slipping through my fingers. I just want things to go back to the way they were but I know if I say that they'll be not only mad but sad, because they'll think it's their fault. When it's not, it's totally not.

So when I have anxiety attacks, I blame it on myself and my life at home. I do this because I'd rather suffer in silence than let my friends and family know what's really bothering me.

But yet when they look at me and ask me what's wrong, I put on a smile and act like I'm fine. I smile and laugh and joke, hoping no one else will question the pit that's growing inside my stomach when I see how happy everyone is together.

Happy without me.

Then I sit here, writing this out in shaky handwriting, half hoping someone will stop me, half hoping no one will find out until it's too late. I cry because it seems hopeless. I worry about what they're reaction will be. Will they be pissed at me, or will they be upset that I felt like this for so long?

I'm worried. Not about the note I'm writing as a goodbye to my loved ones, but about what comes next. How will I do it? Quick and painless like a noose around my neck, or slow and painful like slitting my wrists or downing my bottle of antidepressants.

Will everything change?

Is this the right choice?

I want my friends and family to know that I didn't do this to hurt them.

I did it because I just wanted the pain to stop.

I'm sorry.

Love,

Nina."

Another silence fell over the crowd, no one knew what to say. Ryder's eyes were glossy, he missed his sister dearly, he thought carrying around her note would help with the grieving process but it's been five years and he still cries like a baby when he reads it.

"That's a little much don't you think?" Jamie Hamilton tried to make a joke to lighten the mood but it fell flat extremely fast. Ryder's jaw clenched with slight anger, and his fists clenched and unclenched.

"How dare you?" Ryder suddenly said, taking everyone by surprise, even a few gasps were heard from the audience. "I get that you have a comical persona you have to uphold, but show some Goddamn respect." Ryder snapped, his face remaining blank of any emotion.The crowd gasped at his suddenness.

"Ry, calm down." Jett looked at his friend with a look of sincerity. They all felt the loss on Nina, she was like a sister to all of them, but they didn't understand what Ryder was feeling. Or at least that's what Ryder's mind was telling him.

They're all insensitive pricks, they're not worth your time Ryder.

"No!" Ryder yelled suddenly, getting up from his spot of the sofa. "This whole thing was a mistake." He flipped over the little nightstand that was next to the sofa with everyone's drinks on it. "None of you care! You're all FAKE! NONE OF YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HER!" He screamed.

Finally Bennett and Grayson got up and grabbed him before he could do any more damage to the set or harm himself. They picked him up by his arms and carried him backstage like that until he was out of sight.

"S- sorry about that folks..." Jamie Alexander obviously looked shaken by the events that had just occurred. "We will be taking... uh, we will be taking a break for commercials and will be back in a few minutes." He waved to the people behind the camera's to go to commercial. Once they gave the signal that they were off the air, the camera crew let out a collective sigh of relief.

"And we're on commercial." A cameraman said. You could hear a pin drop in the studio if one did. "Ten minutes everyone."

"I apologize for Ryder's behavior." Jett looked over at the slightly trembling Jamie Hamilton. "He's been in a bad place for a while now, he's on new medication and we're trying to find the right dosage for him." Jett explained, he then got up to go see where the boys had taken Ryder and make sure he was okay.

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