I stumbled down the steep stairs to do my daily chore of laundry. A chore i had been successfully avoiding for weeks now. Today was the day I had to do it since everyone else was asleep. I hurried down the stairs and switched the light over the sitting area on without thinking. I went and folded the long towels and put them in stacks, and then I continued to the empty the washer we had recently put in. As i finished the chore and went to go up the stairs, I looked back at the sitting area. I don't know why, I just did. I stared at the boring beige furniture with its earthy toned pillows thrown on it and blankets draped on it. I started to walk over and I couldn't even control myself. I walked over to the long couch and sat there. I just sat, grabbing on to the fabric I sat on. I closed my eyes and it happened. Every memory of you flooded to me, all at once. The day after we started dating and you could finally say I was yours and vice versa. My birthday, when you cuddled with me on the floor and told me how you couldn't imagine your life without me. The day you stared at me for minutes just to stare at me, The day you knew I truly loved you. The day we just sat there and watched movies. The days you'd cry because you couldn't believe the future we were planning. The days where you'd hold me bridal style and rock me until I was breathing normally again. The days you held me, the days you told me it'd be okay. The day you knew you wanted me. The day we got caught making out by my mother without a shirt.
I realized I sat exactly where I had always sat by your side, the place where I'd cuddle beside you with my leg draped on yours and your arms holding me close and tight, the place where you laid on my chest and you said that you could listen only to my heart beat and not get freaked out. I lost it then and there. I sobbed. I bent over where I sat, I laid my face on the couch and sobbed. I couldn't control it. I tried looking around the basement but I couldn't because there were more memories. The time where I put my dad's (clean) boxers on your head. The time where you carried me up the stairs just because you wanted to. Every time when I'd fold laundry and you'd wrap your arms around my waist, I'd have to stop working or delay myself because I just could stay there forever in your arms. The times where I'd freak out and get frustrated because of my awful family and you'd have to hold me and tell me it was okay and you'd take me away from there, you'd wrap my arms around your neck and yours around my waist and sway with me.
That's when the levee broke.
I had realized;
I couldn't go anywhere anymore.
I couldn't go in the kitchen without seeing us impromptu dancing in the middle of the room that one time or seeing every single time you had to kiss me softly and quietly so mom and dad didnt know. I couldn't lay on my couch or loveseat without imagining your arms around me or the time we had a tickle fight after watching the Jungle book together. I couldn't even go to put on my makeup because I just imagine you're going to be there, put your arms around my waist, and watch me in complete awe as I put it on because you thought I was so beautiful. I couldn't lay in bed without remembering the time I showed you my decorated room and how you thought I was so cute...when I showed you all of your things you've ever given me on display everywhere.
I don't know if you see it too. I don't know if you go in the basement of your house and thinks about all those times. The times when we played video games and you'd whip my ass even when going easy. The times we spent two hours making two characters because I'm thorough and indecisive with my choices. The times where I said I would marry you, or the time where I told you I'd take any name if by the end of the day I was finally your wife. The times where you taught me how to kiss along with everything else. The times where we talked about our future. I don't know if you sit in your room and look at everything I made you for anniversaries, at everything I gave you for no other reason than to let you know "I saw this and thought of you", the clothes I bought you; or if you think about when you carried me to your bedroom and made me take a nap after a single yawn. I don't know if you sit in your living room and remembers when I fell down your house's stairs and you came to my rescue and was so worried and carried me then too, or remember when we looked at scrapbooks of your childhood together. I don't know if you sit at the kitchen table and remembers all the things we talked about. I don't know if you lay in bed, waiting for your sister and mother wake you up and sit on your bed to talk about me for twenty minutes again. I don't know if you still have pictures of me on your phone, and if you browse through them once before going to bed and when you wake up. I don't know if you go to your grandparents' house and you can't think of me without stopping dead in your tracks, to think of the times we sat in your bed and talked for hours, of the times you watched me take a nap to make sure I didn't have another nightmare and when you were there to chase them away, to think of the time you couldn't get your wisdom tooth removed so you cried and you thought you were stupid and I was there to make you better. I don't even know if you think about the milestones we had together: our first Christmas, our first Valentine's Day, my birthday, your confirmation, your birthday, my award ceremonies, your confirmation dinner, Memorial Day with each other, my award for winning a statewide thing, my concerts, plays and musicals, Halloween, our own little Thanksgiving, our anniversaries, Christmas Eve together, our second Christmas, Easter together. I don't know if you realize we did absolutely everything together in the span of our relationship. I can't do a single thing without seeing you around, seeing the memories play like a motion picture in my head. I can't listen to any music. I can't watch my favorite movies or tv shows. I can't go on social media without seeing me and you.
I was in love with you for so long and still am....
