Ponder

Die

The bridge below me broke. I was collapsed in a rushing river. The current submerged me underwater until I could no longer fight. I was... I am helpless. There's a giant piano above my head, and the string holding it is about to snap. What am I going to do? Speed up the process, cut it for them, and make everyone happy. Do something right for once. No one's gonna help me just like before. The truth is the world is mean. I began to think. I was mentally running a marathon through memory lane. Right down to where it started: kindergarten. The first day of school is supposed to be filled with excitement, happiness, and rainbows right? Maybe but for me it was nothing like that. The first day was terrible. I found out some girls were agonizing my brother and they began bullying me. The bullying only escalated like a rocket shooting through space. It was all my fault. Afterall it was my face, my clothes, and my speech. It was me who had a speech disability. It was me who stopped saying a whole four letter word just to please this cruel world. A entire word erased from my vocabulary. It was my face. A face I had to hide, so no one would see me. The strange thing is people aren't transparent. You only see the outside of a person, and not everyone is a replica of a barbie. They say don't judge a book by it's cover, but humans are humans right? They look at what the see, and sometimes they talk about what they see. Only its boring to talk about the good stuff instead they gossip about all of our flaws. Your flaws. I bet someone's doing it right now. You could probably look out into a crowd and find someone doing it. Don't let you see them then. Indulge yourself in perfect contour and grab their attention in highlight. Crop your figure with photoshop. Shield your face with plaster walls so thick the words won't seep in. Fill in the colors with filters. Look like a model non stop. Don't stop. Continue on like nothing is going on. I'm worthless right? Because that's not me, so I deserve it. I deserve to be wiped off this planet like crumbs on a table. That's when you really begin to feel things. It's like someone drops a boulder on you and your fighting to get free. Sometimes you get free. You see the light. You begin to see real color. Me? That's not going to happen because I've already stopped feeling. The words at school have began bothering me in a way it hurts, so much that I don't feel. It's just when you feel the least thats when you feel the most. Good thing no one cares huh? If a tornado came and swept me away no one would care. No one would stop me before I cut string, but before I do that I need to tell my story. People don't make this decision without a reason. Since no one will talk about it when I'm gone I'll just have to tell them, so people don't forget about me the same way they forget the 't' in listen. In that case people of Earth lisen. The red light on my camera indicated it was recording. I spilled out my soul to that camera. "Hello. I don't want attention that's not why in thirty minutes I'm sure I will snatch it. There's no place for me here. Things have made that very clear. I knew this long ago, and I know it now. Society has become heartless. Maybe the world is sifting through humans, testing them, and throwing out the weaklings. Here's why I've decided to end it" I confessed everything to a camera. A little box would reflect my secrets to the rest of the world. The only thing anyone could do now is put up a shrine, and pretend to like a stranger. Do me a favor put roses in it because roses are as cliche as celebrating a dead girl because you killed her. Woops right? Tears flowed down my cheeks like rushing rivers. The current was sweeping me away. Soon I would let the feeling of death overtake me. The feeling of relief. Everything will be gone then "Hey whoever you are watching this do me a favor attend my funeral. It'll be a small party" At that I clicked off the little box shutting it out of one dramatic part of my life: the end. There was only one more thing to take care of. I picked up my phone immediately seeing all of the new horrible text that came from mostly people at school. I went through my contacts then stopped it on my best friend. I texted her
Goodbye. I want you to know its not your fault
She responded instantly.
What!?
The next part made me anxious.
Are you okay? I know you've been sad lately. I'm calling the police. Don't do any-
Other texts from kids clouded the top of my phone. I was on a landslide that was pushing me down with every cruel text. I clicked my phone off. The last text I read said it all. I took it as an order.
"kill yourself" that's what it said. Something overcame me. I was no longer present on this occasion. My body is a machine, and I was no longer running it. The knife climbed up to my chest. My mind was absent as the knife soared inside my skin. I would tell you I died instantly without a thought except then I'd be a liar. I collapsed to the floor. Thoughts flooded my mind. For some reason I was brought back to my uncle's funeral. My mother balled her eyes out then because my uncle killed himself. My mother was there for my uncle, yet he felt lonely. She was there for me, but I forgot to talk to her. How could someone forget something like that? I could of told someone. I could of gotten help. Although here I am bleeding out on my bedroom floor. Slowly losing consciousness as I hear the sirens pull up to my house. Maybe I'll live. Maybe I can pull the pieces back together. Put a bandaid on my life. Maybe I can have a second chance. I want a second chance. If only I got a second chance though. There are some mistakes you can't fix no matter how many bandaids you pile on. This was one of those mistakes you won't live to even regret although you may be able to live long enough to wonder how it could've been. Theres one last last thing I need to say. There was only one person in this story who cared. Thank you Lillie, my best friend, who tried to save me, and I'm sorry. I know your looking for the happy ending at the end of this fairytale well stop searching now because there is no happy ending. Don't cry for me live for me. Thank you truly because your one someone who did more than lisen you listened. I guess there is someone who believes this is a happy ending because to that person who wished I was dead well I am. ~Death

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If you are considering suicide. Please get help because I garentee you it gets better. I've been there, and now my life is happy. Talk to someone that can make you feel better about anything, or do something that relaxes those lonely feelings. Find something your pasionate about and pursue it. If you want you can even talk to me. I don't mind. I'm someone who you won't have to worry about spreading around your secrets. You can send an anonymous email at internalmonet@gmail.com