I Can't Do it Anymore

A sunflower doesn't last forever. It wilts and loses it's petals and turns brown. Eventually everything dies. Soon I'll be like the other nations who are no longer here. No one will miss me. All they see me as is a monster anyway. Me being gone would be good, right? They wouldn't care would they? Everyone would be happier. Sometimes I wish I didn't exist, I wish I could have died a long time ago.

I skimmed over my room for something I could use to get rid of some of my pain. My eyes stopped on a razor blade just laying on my desk. I walked over and picked up the small peice of sharp metal. Just one, one cut is all I will do. I put the cold blade to my arm and began to drag it across my wrist, watching tye blood run down and hit the floor. I ran the blade across my wrist again, there was no way I could stop now, it felt so good, like it took away all the hurt and pain in my life. I lost myself in the act and didn't pay attention when my door opened and my older sister walk in until I heard her painc.

"Ivan, what are you doing?! Stop!" She came over to me and tried to take the razor blade from me. I could see the tears in her eyes. I upset her, I hated when I upset her, it hurt me. I looked at her and put the blade on the desk. She then took it and put it in her pocket and looked at me.

"Ivan, what business do you have for doing this?" She lifted my wrist up to see the damage I had done to it. It wasn't too bad, I mean sure it was bleeding pretty bad l, but none of the cuts were not too deep. Well, not deep enough to hurt me and hospitalize me from blood loss. After Ukraine caught me, she cut off all access to any sharp weapons and obhects. I went for months without cutting; but I always kept a revolver under my bed for safety purposes, like if a person were to break into the house, or it would be there for the purposes of my death. I almost always kept it loaded in case I would have the courage to go through with it. Today I had the gun ready. All I needed to do was pull the trigger, but then I began to think about my sisters, clearly neither of them could take care of themselves. Despite how bad I wanted to do it, I couldn't just leave my sisters alone like that. I put the gun back in the case and under my bed.

I sighed. This was getting old, I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand being here any longer, the only thing I was here for was my sisters and they left me. The only ones who remained were the Baltics. There was a world meeting today, I didn't want to go. All the other countries would just avoid me and treat me like I was a monster. I got dressed at a slow pace. I had to put an extra hole in my belt to hold my pants up. Since I only eat one small meal every two weeks, if I even at all, I had lost a ton of weight. I walked out of my room and to the door. When I reached it, I paused.

"Torus, can you come here?" I called for the Lithuanian. Without hesitation he came to the door.

"What do y-you need s-sir?" He was scared, he was always scared of me. I turn my gaze to the floor, a few tears escaping my eyes. Lithuania, being the way he was, freaked out and started repeating how sorry he was for making me cry. I looked up, my violet eyes slightly bloodshot from crying.

"Don't be sorry Torus, it's not you." I moved my hand up to wipe my eyes. As I did so my sleeve fell a bit, revealing deep cuts I had done the other night. Lithuania grabbed my arm and pushed my sleeve up as far as it would go. His face told me he was shocked; of course why wouldn't he be, he didn't know why I kept razor blades and knives in my room. Well not until now. Lithuania's eyes widened and he looked at me.

"When did you do this?" I looked at him, tears threatened to fall from my eyes again as I told him.

"I did it last night." I pulled my hand away and pulled my sleeve back down covering the cuts once more and looked away.

"I'm planning to end it soon. I don't want be here anmore. I don't feel welcome here. I've never been welcome, da?" Tears started rolling down my cheeks again. Lithuania looked hurt.