Trapped

Prologue

After seven years of being cooped up in this place, I didn't believe a thing about destiny or the divine act of justice. The concepts are like outlines in childrens colouring books, they need distinct factors to show what the drawing is. The grass would be green because that's what we see, but without the truth and proper image, we are merely blindly guessing meanings and decisions. There is a difference between blonde and yellow but we go on colouring blonde hair in yellow. So in a way we are like children but I will not force myself to go around and listen to false meanings or people. I like making decisions and that is why I have made this one.

At home there is nothing but empty drawers-that used to be overflowing-and wardrobes filled with hangers, but empty of clothes. There may even be new oblivious occupants but still, I will sit here alone. I am the lone crease in an ironed shirt, left and ignored.

I am ultimately a lamb to the slaughter but the enforcer of the slaughtering. I hate that the knife ended up in my hands because that is also how it began. I am stuck in a room that is so secluded that even I can't leave. White and grey fills my view and the twelve lines that separate the four walls, ceiling and floor.

I am writing one more note before I 'catch the bus', as it is referred to in a book about the very thing I'm doing now. I'm not suicidal, just tired and what is better than a never-ending sleep to cure me. I would go back and stop myself, when I was doing those things, but even going back in time won't heal my wounds, and this is not a movie. Not everything ends in happiness, because in some things it's only ever at the start. I can wish, hope and dream, but where will that leave me? Begging, and I hate asking questions, let alone that.

I will say goodbye because there will be no hello.
I will fall, to never get back up again.
I will close my eyes, to never see again.
I will bleed, to never be stitched.
I will break, to never be fixed.

'Goodbye!' I whisper. I know it is nearly over, so I ignore the option of play and end it, I take the leap and am gone.