Black and White

Too harsh???

"complicated - consisting of many interconnecting parts or elements" For example mine and ash's "relationship"

Row N.O. I lost count

Ashton and me had a fight and maybe I said somethings I shouldn't off. It started when Ashton said that he didn't know if the pictures we are sending were at an uneven number e.g. has he sent more or have I. So i texted him back saying IDK whatever and I did not care TBH. Ash then texted back confused about what I had just texted asking if I did not care about the pics I send or I don't care about him. I know I care about him. I care about him more than a friend that is half the problem but I can not let Ash know because I want to be the cool girl not the attached / desperate girl. With that in mind I texted back both tbh. Was that too harsh or was it what I should do if i keep telling myself I do not care about him then eventually I will stop caring about him. After my harsh text Ash texted back Rah bit deep. That is when I started to second guess myself had I been too harsh or was the wall I had put up right. We had been on and off for 6 months but I do not know how many girls he had been speaking to in that time. Should I care about him? We aren't exactly in a relationship and yes friends care about each other but in the beginning of the relationship when I trusted him and we were gf and bf did he care about my feeling then when he cheated on me and led me on. Did he care when he did that that it really hurt my feelings causing me to realize that he was just like every other boy I had ever liked a massive asshole. Plus are we actually friends since to cover up things and lower suspicions we don't actually speak to each other when we with friends we only text each other or speak when we are alone. 

I then texted how is it deep? Knowing exactly how it was deep but again I was acting like I was the cool girl that did not care. Ash then texted back does it not matter that you don't care about me? I don't understand why he cares he is the one that doesn't want to go out with me and I can not go out with him because of Ruby. Then I replied to him saying Well we aren't going out so I have no feeling towards you. I do have some feelings towards him but maybe it is my hormones that are confused. Ash then texted back saying True but as friends aren't we friends??? I then said to him well we don't speak in person to each other. To which he replied with Okay so we ain't friends then. I replied u said it not me. I understand how that sounds really bitchy and cold but by this time in the argument I was done. Done with life and him. He had drained all the energy out off me. At the end of the day I am just a toy to him when he finally get's bored off me because he finds a better girl he will just throw me away. Like I am a worthless piece of trash so why do I stay? Because I want to be the doll that he keeps and that he decides is not worth throwing away because she is actually amazing. I know that there will only be a small chance of that happening with me and Ash but hey a girl can dream. 

That's when I realized that this argument was not worth happening that Ash did not have any feelings towards me so he definitely was not going to admit that he did have feelings towards and that if I did carry on the argument that was going down a dead end street like are relationship to be honest that I was just going to end up breaking and I can not break at the moment it is not a convenient time. So I am just going to carry on being his side bitch hoping that one day he will actually see what is right in front of him.