Beautiful Silent Boy [L.S]

Journal 3: Linger Longer

It's just the beginning of February. Literally, just the beginning, it just turned midnight!

I have been really tired today though, in all my classes. I fell asleep in one of them. (Oops)

I think it was the cold weather that had me run down as of late, I'm not all that certain, and to be honest it really wasn't that important any ways.

Harry and I have been going out for almost three months now, and so far everything has been great. More than great actually.

We spent quite a few nights together, just horsing around in each other's houses, being total jackasses most of the time, and I started to hang out with his friends a lot more too.

They were so excepting of me just like Harry was. I was really starting to like the boys.

It's funny, because even though we've been together for so long, he still doesn't know about me.

The real me, deep down on the inside.

He knows about my depression and my anxiety, but he doesn't know about my many bad habits. Like cutting, for example.

I feel bad keeping it a secret from him, but I guess I'm actually terrified to tell him. What if he think's I'm some freak and doesn't except me any more? I don't think I could bear that.

I remember he almost saw my scars on Christmas. He got me a really adorable jumper, and he wanted to see it on me. I told him I'd put it on later, but he insisted. I felt really scared, so I went upstairs and changed. He was surprised, and asked me why I had gone upstairs.

I told him that my grandmum didn't like me changing in the living room, and he accepted that.

I was lucky really.

The secret's been eating away at me though, like the blade's been eating away at my flesh. I don't want to keep cutting, but sometimes I feel like it's all I can do. It's not Harry's fault either. He's been so perfect. I don't even know why I still feel so sad, or depressed because he's always there trying to make me smile and laugh.

I'm a totally different person when I'm with Harry. But then when I come back home, it's like the curtain has closed and the set has disappeared. The fans are gone, the excitement is over. It's like it was all just pretend.

But I know it's not pretend. My mind just likes to trick me into believing it is. It keeps trying to say he'll leave just like everyone else. Like mum, like dad, like my brothers and sisters. It's telling me that I'll be his undoing, and I'll kill him inside some how.

I keep trying to shake the thoughts from my head, but they just love to creep back and cause trouble again.

I know I'm being ridiculous, but sometimes you can't change the way your head and heart works. You draw all of these little correlations between things, finding yourself to be that common factor. You'll spin webs of lies, trying to make sense of it all. But then you wake up and realize you're being stupid.

That's what I'm being: stupid.

Today's Harry's birthday, and I'm hell bent on making it a great one. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do yet, but I'll have to find a way to repay him for all he's done, and make him realize that I am thankful for his presence here on Earth, starting with the day he was born.

Gah, he's actually calling me right now. I guess I'll tie this up!

x Louis

"While destined to keep secrets under lock and key, there are moments when the chains rattle to a tune, fancy of the idea of being free."