A Moment Before

Five...

Moment to moment lives move on. It's not uncommon to get stuck in the past. While others move forward you simply dissolve into the oblivion and your ashes drift with the lonesome wind. Lexi's friends had moved on and she would often wonder if she was lost. After her homecoming, Barbie took her to her house downtown. She stepped onto the street where she left Chuck and ran inside. She heard the car screech off with the door closing behind her.

The house was empty. All that remained was her springy mattress and a few shreds of clothing, scattered along her floor. She had left in such a hurry there was no time to clean.

She gathered the bits of her belongings and found the keys to her car. Her lease on the house had been up a few years ago but the landlord held it for her given the situation. The car was just as she left it and the note remained in the passenger seat. Lexi unlocked the doors and threw her bag in the trunk. The leather seats had been worn away, she worried if it would even start. Before she sent the keys into the ignition she grabbed the note and folded it, slipping it into her back pocket. Maybe she would forget it was there and it would be washed into nothing.

There was a civilian job awaiting her at the hospital and a lonely one bedroom apartment she had set up just a few blocks away. She hoped to get out of the state but decided to remain close for her family. Her sisters and mother missed her a great deal but she was home now. Selflessly, she decided to remain there.

She was to start work in a week at the biggest hospital downtown as a trauma surgeon, only fitting. To her surprise the car started and she made way to her new secluded home. It was on the top floor of an old brick building with a fire escape. Lexi always loved fire escapes. They made her feel like there was always a way out and at night she could sit on the edge and look up into the immense sky. It was a studio with hardwood floors. The kitchen and bedroom were one and a small bathroom had its own quarters. There was a wooden bed frame set up already for her and a closet just across from that.

Her desire to be alone came from a burning fear inside her. Men had always walked around with a dark cloud hanging over their head. She seemed to be the only one who could see it.

In high school she had Chuck, Barbie, and of course other meaningless acquaintances. Well aside from Allan, who backed her in tougher times. But still she felt empty and alone. She urged to fill the void with alcohol and men unknowing that this was only digging her into a deeper pit. Some men were kind to her, too kind and she hated being overwhelmed by them. Others were the definition of the evil in men.

---There wasn't a time I approached a man. It was simpler to wait for them to come to me. Is that so wrong? That is the way things have always been between men and women. It's not our job to make the first move.

When I joined the Army my friends became older than me. I was the young fresh face of the group. You would think we were supposed to be like a family, and usually we were, but no family is perfect. You see, people married young in the military. We get benefits for it and I don't blame them. One of my closest friends thought the world of me. I don't wish to say his name, he will just be called the man. He had a beautiful wife and she lived in an apartment off base with him. We would all go there to relieve the stress of sitting in a classroom all day absorbing forgetful medical jargon. 

He had a keg there every weekend and the cooler was always filled to the brim. There was a hot tub at the entrance of the complex and we would bring beer and steaks down at night and sit, enjoying the company of one another. My closest friend was Chad. He reminded me all too much of Chuck but I loved him the way you love a brother. He had the most adorable dimples and his hair was always shaved to Army regulation length. His humor matched mine and I was able to laugh for hours on end with him. Most days he forgot to clean his uniform but you wouldn't know because he smelt of Febreze. Because that is exactly what he would do. Spray Febreze all over his uniform. I adored the smell, like stale lavender. I always felt very safe with him.