hey guys,
sorry i haven't been writing in awhile... things have came up, things that i can barely handle by myself... i feel like im all alone in a big empty room trapped with no escape. I hate the the feeling of everyone hating me, the feeling when you know you have friends you can talk to... but you always feel like you're bothering them. lately people have been bringing my self esteem down quite a bit, they make me feel like my writing is trash, that no one reads anything, no likes it. What bothers me the most about bullies is that they can find anything about you and use it against you or make fun of you for it. It's worse when teachers who are suppose to encourage their students are the ones that tells them that they're not going to succeed in life, or laugh in your face when you tell them you want to become a writer. being through all the shit that I've been through in the past couple of months m sick of it. i want it to all stop. but i guess things happen for a reason... i just wish i knew what the reason was. The pain i went through and still going through is completely unbearable.. okay maybe not for you or whoever reads this... but to me losing my best friend, knowing she might move away, farther than 30 minutes away...the rumours being spread about me...everyone telling me i wont succeed in life ruining everything i had... writing was my everything, my life, the one place that i could express my feelings. Everything is changing... beimg fat all my life ive felt self conscious about myself, always asking myslef what i should wear, how i should act, i also starting asking myself why my friends now are my friends or asking if they even want to be friends still... knowing that high school is going to change you, i went into high school being happy, outgoing, says whats on my mind, enjoyed school. But now, i see high school as another place for more torment...
I've been bullied all my years in school. One day i was in grade three, it was a nice sunny afternoon, during recess this kid pushes me down on the pavement. Wraps his hands around my throat so tight i could taste blood, i tried screaming, kicking, even tried to push the kid off but he was to strong for me. Back in elementary school we had two recesses, one in the morning which is approximately 20 minutes and one in the afternoon approximately 25 minutes. It was second recess when he started choking me... i felt scared, terrified. I remember thinking who the hell is this guy?? and my world slowly started fading... my face was probably red turning blueish pale colour. he just wouldn't budge...I wanted him to stop to let go of me.. i wanted to ask him what i did to him, what did i do to deserve this... I was only a third grader... he was a freaking fifth grader!!!! but to be honest this kid was pretty smart. My school was surrounded by forests owned by the NCC (National Capital Commission) , so he took it to his advantage and strangled me there. The next thing i know hes off of me, and i could hear him yelling at me to get up and run before the teachers come... but I couldn't move, i was frozen on the ground in fear. I have no idea who he was, why he did what he did, or what just happened. HE walked away, legit walked away leaving me on the ground coughing. I was terrified that he was going to come back and do it all over again. For the next couple of weeks i remember always seeing him, he would be every where staring at me, intimidating me, teasing me to go tell the teacher, mocking me behind my back with his friends. I would try to tell the teacher, any teacher but his friend would somehow find me and i get to scared and walk away from the teacher. Going back to that day, the teachers did find me walking to school very slowly, i still had a pale face so they sent me home thinking i was sick...
A couple of months ago I was in a lot of pain, not physically but mentally. I though that everyone hated me, that people don't want to talk to me, I was stressed with school, getting good grades, trying not to disappoint my parents or family, and I was sad cause my best friend might be moving ....my best friend and I have known each other for ever, so it's going to be weird not being able to see her every week in the summer. So after all the stress I did something that changed how everyone looks at me today, sure it was painful, sure it helped a little bit, but I want things to be the way they were before.
i havent told anyone this story no one knows the reason im not the same... I know some of you will skip over this and forget about it...or some of you will read all of this and say this is complete bs or something, but I'm telling you guys my story because I don't want other people to go through that pain. I want to say that I'm sorry for all those that have other shy going on that my problems aren't as big of a problem as yours but...writing is the only way I can express the way I'm feeling,
This is my story...
