The Journal of Nadia Harland

dec 22

today is the day I join. I finally met nerissa, she's lovely. kind and caring, I'd say. this organization will really help me out. ever since mom died, I've been so alone. but maybe now I won't have to be. I hope things get better from here on.

dec 25

it's pretty strange spending the holidays with people and not on the streets. nerissa and I are already close.

jan 1

it's a new year. for me, hopefully, a new life. so far, the Waters have been great. granted, I've only been here about a week, but I think I will enjoy it here.

jun 17

this is not what I thought it was. I am not safe here. are these people even really my friends? or are they just pretenders, hiding being their masks and façades? maybe its better to just go along with it for now.

oct 31

it really is the day of the dead this year isn't it? my first kill, thanks to some kid getting in nerissa's way. I don't want to be a killer. but here, I don't really get a choice.

dec 25

second christmas with the Waters. now I'm not as hopeful as last year- I know what this is and I'm scared I'll be stuck here. but I'll just stick it out. I think that they will kill me if I run. I have been here too long. they know that I know things, and to them, that means I know too much to let go.

jan 1

let's just hope things will change. but I don't have much hope at all.

april 10

we just got a new girl. calls herself nady, but I know that's not her real name. all of us here changed our given names to one that starts with an "n" in honor of nerissa. mine went from arya to nadia. nady likes me. I think she's rather annoying.

aug 8

nady got her first kill today. I was her supervisor. I can tell she's terrified, the way I was. but I've been de-sensitized from this lifestyle. I don't think anything could make me sad or angry now. it will happen to nady too.

dec 25

third holiday season. I sat next to nerissa. the Waters consider me a higher-up in the nearly non-existent system kept here now. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel so numb. numbly, mildly, confused. I don't like it at all.

jan 1

nothing will ever change, will it?

feb 14

all of the regular citizens were moping about the city in a lovey-dovey mood tooday. I recall my mother telling me about this holiday many years ago. it is focused on love, love for someone else. I don't much like it.

sep 21

some people celebrate the autumn equinox tonight. nerissa says it'll be a good night to get rid of some troublesome people she's been wanting to take care of. she's finally discovered my talent with a gun. I don't know if I like that, but I have to. we don't really pick and choose what we want nerissa to know.

dec 25

I saw some fresh military graduates while out today. I was hidden in the shadows, scampering along behind the mounds of snow on the ground. I didn't even realize it was christmas until nady found me and dragged me back to HQ after I'd been wandering for a bit. the gaze of one of the graduates burned in my mind, a teal fire I couldn't quench.

jan 1

a group of police caught nerissa, nady, and I today. we escaped of course, but I know that they are tracking us. I feel slightly scared. the experience of almost being arrested makes some emotion flow back into me. feeling doesn't usually come to me, but right now I know that I don't want to die. I think that counts.

jan 12

the teal-eyed boy saw me again today. he bolted up to me, asked me who I was. I told him my old name, I kept my eyes glued to the ground. I knew it was bad, I knew I should've turned and run the moment he approached me. but something kept me stuck in front of him. he said his name was al. I knew I should've made myself forget it, but I didn't. I politely excused myself and thought about al and his bright eyes all day.

feb 3

i ran into al again, but this time nady was with me. we were in black, we were in the shadows, but he somehow still spotted me. nady was confused as to why I was chatting with this stranger, and why he leaned down and kissed me before he took off. I told her to hush.

feb 14

I spent the holiday that bothered me to no end last year with al this year. it was very lovely. I rather enjoyed it. his company is nice.

feb 26

al and I meet often now. I hate being attracted to him like a magnet. I hate it with a burning passion. but I can't really do anything about it, I just keep coming back to meet him. I like the way that I can feel when he kisses me. I shouldn't. he asks me questions. but I keep my loyalty to nerissa as best as I can. I don't answer them.

march 3

nerissa has come up with an insane plan to help us evade the constant threats from the police. I'm scared. I don't like the plan. in fact, I despise the plan. nady wants me to run with her, away from this. but I can't. as much as nerissa has ruined my life, she is my other best friend, my sister-in-crime, and I can't abandon her to the police.

march 18

they have me in a cell. i will write down everything happening until my very last memorable breath. earlier today, we attempted to execute the plan. it failed, it failed terribly and miserably. there were officers everywhere, they were waiting for us. nady was screaming, she was clutching on to me like I was a lifeline and she was already dying. nerissa was pretending to be calm, but she was frantic, because the police had us cornered in some brick building. we knew that if we exited we would be shot on sight. I was very scared, but I couldn't show it. I had to be strong for nady, so I hid my fear away. finally, after what felt like forever, nerissa decided that we would sacrifice ourselves. she said she would rather they shoot and kill her than take her prisoner anyway. nady shakily agreed. I said that I would do it if they would. so, in a line, with me in the middle and nady in the back, we stepped out the door.

almost instantly nerissa was shot down. I could see the blood spewing from her neck. I felt nady latch onto me and pull me down with her as she fell. I wrenched myself away and found myself coated in blood and narrowly avoiding bullets. and then, very suddenly, a tall man with bright teal eyes yelled for the guns to halt and there was al, in police getup, yanking me up and holding me in his arms. only not gently like he did before.

"we keep her." he said very resolutely.

and so here I am, alone and betrayed. cold, scared, prepared to die. but I know that they won't kill me. al must have told them of my talents, my strong ability as a soldier. I expect to be sent off to war soon.

I would rather die, but...

We don't always get a choice.