If you do not believe this to be true than I cannot help you. It will happen soon enough, I will have to say goodbye, to what is up to me. To life, to friendships, to family? I am told there are only two options left to me, that's not true, my arm alone proves another option, my trip to hospital last Christmas another. If my mum and dad were to hear these? Well let's be honest their last resort.
I hope this isn't my goodbye note, in fact I really hope that this is a piece of text that is swept under the rug and forgotten about. For this is my life, typing away at a keyboard, inventing people that I wish I could be. Inventing the girl who fought of hordes of Zombies, or the mage who saved a life by taking it, or the lesbian who fell from her high pedestal. I think she's the closest to home, originally she had red hair like me, and she was in a dark place before she met Bethan... I wish I could meet Bethan. I try my hardest to make them seem real, is it for my own benefit?
School is apparently the source of my problem, or so I have been told. I'm sure I've agreed with it to, in a fit of delusional anger or sadness. The truth is all I know, laziness. Is that why I struggle with school? Maybe... I doubt I'll ever truly know. School is the two options my parents see, move or stay. They make it sound simple and I know they have all but forced me out the door to get to this new place, but is it that simple? I thought it was until I went out with Hannah and Lara the other day, some of my greatest friends. Lara was getting asked out TODAY and it made me think... if I go to same sex school I will never have this, but if I go to a co-ed no one would have a crush on me anyway. I'm under no delusions like some people. I know that I can draw and write. I know that I'm not pretty and I can't do anything athletic. I know that I'm slightly overweight and that my singing leaves as much to be desired as my taste in music.
I know I don't fit in.
Sometimes when I'm alone, I hope secretly that someone will take an interest in me, but then my realistic-self awakens and tells myself to shut up because there is NO chance of meeting anyone until at least college. Harsh but true.
The other options, I need to get out of my head. Running away, while a valid option will get me nowhere but more alone and homeless. Also the police will hunt for and most likely find, me. This would lead to a load of questions like "Why?" Possibly the most difficult question I've ever been asked. Just above "You like this?!"
The fresh cuts continue to catch my eye as I type. I have managed to hide them for one day but I don't know how long it's possible to keep it up. Another option, internalise it all, and then out of loneliness and boredom hurt myself. Not the nicest option, but surly better than lashing out at people I care about and making them feel this way? I can feel the disapproval now. People talking down below about what a psycho this girl is. Yes, let's just clarify that I'm a girl as well.
The last option would require a different goodbye altogether, a goodbye to myself. It wouldn't matter how I did it, I would still have to do it and put my story to rest. Thank god, I don't think that right now I can do that. It would be like writing a book to the midway point and then burning it, removing all traces of the stories plot and planed future.
Stories are what got me here, or more lies did, lies and stupid actions. Thinks that I can't help hitting myself when they cross my bleak mind. My dad rea one of my stories, pointed out how...bleak...depressing....strange? Something like that...
I'm honestly shocked that I'm not crying yet, but I guess looking at my life like this, dissecting it piece by piece while listing to FOXES has sort of detached me from it. No longer is it my story, but it's the story of a girl sitting alone at ten past one writing about how fucked up her brain is, pardon my swearing.
The worst part is she doesn't understand it, she doesn't deserve this darkness. She has never been bullied abused or struggled in school. She lives with her well off family...
