Random book of random randomness

Eh

More love story stuff I'm sorry

He was never a very aware boy. His emotions often seemed to cloud his mind, leading his words in the directions they had seen fit. He was predictable by most standards when it came to what he would say next. Or, maybe he wasn't. I never really knew of anyone else who had seen him as that but me. Of course he did surprise me many times, sharing feelings I never could have known he had felt. I guess there were really only two situations where he was predictable.

I don't really like remembering the first. He wasn't well. His father had been killed on the street one day when he was young. Mugged and beaten to death. He still can't forget that day. The first few months I had known him, he had episodes where he would hate himself terribly and have an overwhelming urge to  die. Thankfully, after a few times of feeling this, I noticed he needed a lifeline. I talked to him. He was mostly bullied at school, kids calling him things like a demon. Every time he would come to me in tears and hopeless, and every time I would pull him out of his hatred. I doubt that I was the cause of its vanishing, likely just that I helped him to cope with the past. But it was terrible when it went on.

We shared so much on those nights. As much as it pains me to remember the time when he was so unhappy, we shared so much through that unhappiness. I knew I had feelings for him, cursing myself for it. He liked girls, and I was no girl. Yet I knew more about him than most anyone.

Then came that night. It was in August, I remember it well. We had been simply talking, but he seemed nervous. When I questioned him about it, he first avoided answering. Soon enough though, he asked me a question.

What should you do if you have a crush?

Well, you could ask them if they like you too.

But what if they don't?

Then it won't change the fact you still like them.

I'm pretty sure they don't like me that way.

Have you asked them?

No.

Then why don't you?

I don't know if I can. I don't want to ruin anything.

I'm sure you won't.

What um.. What would you do if I had a crush on you?

I would probably cry. In good of way of course. A happy one.

Really?

Ya. I've liked you for a while now. I'm not gonna try to hide that.

Well, uh, I like you. Do you wanna date?

Yes.

It was a good night.

We shared so much. So much sadness, so much hopelessness. But it wasn't all bad. We shared so much pain, but also happiness. Moments we talked were ones of bliss, no matter what we talked about. We made each other feel the deepest of sadness, and the highest of joy. 

It's been years since then. He's gotten much better mentally. His episodes have slowed and become much less hard to bear. I've gotten better to. I'm not well, I still hate myself so much, but I'm better. And we both grow with each other, each day, we talk, we build up the other.

I love him so much, that sometimes when he's around, even if just for a moment, I forget what hating myself is like.