I ask myself a question "why is happiness temporary?" Yet in the past, I've never ask myself that question. I ask myself again "why does the truth hurts?" Yet they say the truth will free you, will it really free me? Or will I just drown of the sea of depression by knowing the truth? Will I ever be happy?
Questions I always ask myself but never found an answer but there is no answer in this disease that infected me and made me lose all hope, not wanting to eat not wanting to sleep but wanting to end it all so I can escape this pit of pain I am trap in, wanting to escape reality but all I can do is wait for the grime reaper and ask for my hand for all I know that it will be a dream come true.
Suddenly I saw you crying, sobbing in the same chair where I heard the truth about my diease, where my hope burst into pieces and made me hate my life, but their was something about you that gave me faith. A feelig I can't explain was it hope or was it pain.
The hospital has this program where we patients interact with each other maybe we can make friends even though we all know that death will come. So I never spoke to anybody its hard to get too attached specially when you all have the same fate.
I was in the corner just sitting won't talk to people who approach me, but I saw a fragile figure but when I looked up I saw an angel. I was shock because nobody snuck on me like that as I hit my head on the wall you laughed, you're laugh was weird but hearing it made me smile. As you help me get up, I realized that I felt joy and Hope.
We became friends but agreed to one thing agreed to be friends but friends only. So happiness began in my life once again.
Crying is normal when the treatment is done because of the pain that we go through as our body goes through shadows of pain.
Then I see you still smiling even though you underwent the treatment I can't see the pain in your eyes all I see is hope. Then I ask you "why?" You replied "why what?" "Why are you smiling the treatment is like hell like your life force is being drained" "because I don't want people around be sad because of my condition so I hide it with a smile"
Words that stun me with deafening silence realizing how can she think more of other's feeling than the pain she hides with her smile. How kind hearted she is making me fall even more, but must I fight what my heart say to preserve this promise until we may break, this cursed sickness that we undertake.
Pain consumes me everyday, Im sick of it as I cry in the corner sitting there, sobbing, then you came sit down besides me looked me in the I ask tears falls down your beautiful eyes then hug me tight I can't nearly breath asking "why are you crying?" Then you suddenly slap me saying"because it hurts me more to see sad and cry than this disease that its me up". Then she hugged me tight and said "we made a promise right?" I replied "yes" "can we make a promise once more?" Confused on what to say I quietly replied "yes" as she looked at me and smile "lets promise that we can survive this diease that everyday even though it hurts we keep on smiling. Promise?" My heart suddenly burned wanting to kiss her or just wanting to say my feeling for her but I can't break this promise, no not today. So i replied with "yes I promise" then she smiled and said to me "you looked so ugly crying" so we both laugh and enjoyed the day.
The days passed by I can feel the effectiveness of the treatment slowly heals me even the doctors say its like a miracle that the tumor is slowly minimizing and with right medication and proper treatment I can survive this and confess what I feel to her.
So I shared the news with her she was so happy to hear it that made her pull me up then we danced like two fools circling the area, but suddenly she slip herself along with me I was facing her and she was facing me, we were on a very awkward position my heart beating was so fast and hard like it wanted to burst wanting to kiss her but she laughed and said " this is so awkward get me up asshole" noticing her blushing cheeks made me red even more then she said.
"let me go to my room" and I said "me too" with what happened I can't help to think about her everyday and everynight smiling like a fool.
So the day finally came the doctor said that I can go home next week. I was so happy to hear it I can't wait to tell her the goodnews but when I came to the room I can't find her so I ask a nurse asking where she is then I was shock hearing the news that she was in the ICU so I suddenly went to her but they won't let me in she was asleep I can see her through the glass window that separates me from her we were close but why do I feel so far from her I can't even hug her like she did for me I can't be there when she needs me most.
When tears was going to fall from my eyes she suddenly awoken from a deep sleep she saw me on the window and she smiled at me like the first time we met I can remember her smiling at me then slowly she whispered with her chapped lips saying "PROMISE" then she closed her eyes so I walk away with my hand on my eyes not noticing her tears pouring down like a stream.
As I sit on the waiting room near the ICU doctors suddenly rush and nurses to the room where she was I wanted to go and checked her but they blocked as I enter forcing myself in a drop of water suddenly fall on my forehead then I stop as I felt a chill as someone whispered on my ears the word "sorry" and felt like someone hug me so tight then the doctor went out and said the same word "sorry" then I felt being freed from a tight hug as I went to her noticing a kind smile and tears in her face as her mother is beside her crying and said "she was a kind girls she knows that she won't last I can feel her pain behind her contagious smile she remain positive and cheerful until the very end" I grab her hand pulled it closed to my heart as I notice something a crumpled piece of paper with words written on it while reading I fell to the ground on my knees crying as the letter says...
"Hey! I Love You! Sorry I can't say it infront of you because we made a promise right? and I don't want you to loved me not because of selfish reasons but because my journey is ending and base on what I heard you are just starting another journey into another wonderful future sorry I can't join you so all I did was cheer you up asshole. You know I never wanted to go but I guess that's fate as they say but you know being with you made my remaining days of my life beautiful made me want to live even more but the fact is I can't, cancer is such a bitch right? I remember the first time I saw you you were smiling at me you made me blush coz you were cute even though your head was bald hehe. I can't be with you so I crossed my boundaries for you to feel less pain and that you may find someone who can join you in your new path...
Who am I fooling I love you so much!!! But Im going to die!!! I don't want you to see me like this I don't want you to feel pain but beacause of me you are feeling pain I am so worthless I am such a bad person all I want is the best for you so I help my self to not fall in loved with you but I can't my heart keep shouting your name but as the pain goes through my veins keep it not just to hurt you but to protrct you from pain. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND SORRY IF IM GOING TO BE THE FIRST TO SAY GOODBYE BUT THANK YOU."
reading her letter made me cry so loud made me hate myself to not saying her that I Love her I wish I never healed I wish that the same fate with me will occur so I can be with her that I can once again hug her and tell her face to face that I love her and kiss her. As pain strikes my heart I was wanting to be with her so I will choose for myself to follow her to end it all and be with her so I rush to my room and grab a handfull of my medicine and a glass full of water and put the medicine in my mouth as I was to chug it all with water I felt the same drop of water in my forehead and said to myself "is this what she would want for me?" Then I remember her smile so I spit out the medicine and throw the glass cried aloud then calm down as I felt the same arms wrapped around me that gave me not chills but a happy memory that I will forever rember, as a distince voice whispers to my ears and say these word "I Love You"
