Be yourself

Be yourself

Let me tell you a piece of advice I got when I was younger , it was "pee your self" sorry "be yourself" . That sucked, pee yourself would have been worse but "be yourself"?! Never mind the logical absurdity of it, it can be an incredibly anxiety provoking thing to hear as a teenager or an adult for that matter. Do you know what my self was at that time? Afraid, lonely, anxious to the point of insomnia being that part of me was not an option ,I did not have the tools to deal with those parts. But if the "me" I was suppose to be "being" was something els then yes no shit I would love to be that, do you have the rest of the instructions jackass? At this age at this time it is like being in a burning building and being told to relax. It is just not an option sometimes (being those parts of yourself) it is too much , far too much. I could not figure out how to fit into this world I attempted so many things I would wake up in the middle of the night after having these visions about how to act at school. Smile more, apologize more , say thank you more . I tried to show up to class each day with a bag of bubble gum and hand out while saying hello .i watched how people moved their hands , how they laughed, how they sat. I tried walking differently talking differently , I even had a catch phrase "it happens". I was not being me ,but wasn't not being me actually being me? And it worked sort of was/am still a weird kid but I had a bit of space and I needed that space. And with that space I be'ed my self . In fact I had started being my self all over everyone around me. I tested being my brutal honesty where I blurted out shit I felt regardless weather it was hurtful or radically egotistical . I tested being my darkness where I listened to the worst parts of my self and I lied and I stole and I put myself and the people I cared most for in danger . That was a form of "being me" but not the me that I want to be being , not the me anyone wants me to be. I just remember how angry I was when I remembering that stupid advice being given, then looking in the mirror and wondering who the hell are you?! And I wonder why this makes me upset , and I wonder sometimes when I'm I the shower why do I forget I am already clean , and why sometimes do I imagine that I am hiding I some in a treetop watching my own funeral , and why is this sadness comforting to me? And why sometimes do I make little involuntary noises when I remember something embarrassing that have done .being me is still such a confusion , I asked my friend what she thought and she says "everyone is their self always ,the actual advise should be make yourself a good self ."