Something wild happened to me today

Chapter 16

Monday, March 26th, 2007, 7:35 PM

Contradictions

Surprise. Sara called me a while ago.

It’s incredible how much a day can change that started off so shitty.

Sara... I didn’t want to write any more about her and the night I met her so as not to raise my hopes, even though the last kiss we had when we said goodbye and her image moving away until I lost sight of her amongst the crowd are still fresh in my mind. The truth is that I haven’t quit thinking about her. But I’m afraid. Fine, time to confess: when I think about a possible new relationship, I can’t help thinking about Susana. It’s been two years and three months that she left me for someone else. A guy with a good job, ambitious, and—supposedly—with his feet firmly on the ground. After six years she suddenly realized that we weren’t made for each other, and two weeks later was already living in the other guy’s apartment. Now she’s six months pregnant and happy.

I, on the other hand, am still not over it. I don’t know if I’m ready to start over again. Susana totally destroyed me, and burned what was left of me, then let the wind blow the ash away. I’ve felt lost since then. Totally humiliated. Alone.

Until now.

I think this gift, these powers that make me different, are some sort of signal. The time has come for me to take control over my life and to do something. For me, and for others. 

So, tomorrow I’ve arranged to have lunch with Sara. She says she’s got a surprise for me.

When my phone rang a while ago, I thought it would be Rafa. Or my mother. I was totally convinced that I wouldn’t see Sara again, so much so that I didn’t even entertain the possibility. When a girl tells you that she’ll call you, it’s a bad sign, no matter how well it seems it went to you. But I was wrong. And I’m glad. I think this girl is different from the rest that I’ve met.

Even so, there’s something worrying me, eating me from the inside out. I don’t know if it’s right to let someone into my life at such a strange moment.

I know I’m jumping ahead of myself thinking about these things, but I can’t help it. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, or the day after. I may get put in jail for murder next week. Or I might really be going crazy and imagining everything. Maybe even Sara is figment of my imagination.

What I’m writing today proves my doubts, my uncertainty. My own contradictions are fencing me in.

Maybe I should go to the doctor like I’ve been told. Maybe I’m hallucinating from losing blood. I bled a lot again this afternoon.

I think I’m going to have a hard time sleeping again tonight. Shit.