lost brother

brother?

  You know the feeling when you're not fully yourself? Well I have a different version of "not feeling fully yourself", here is my story. February 14, 2000, the day we were born, yes I said we. My name is Alex and I have a twin brother. My brother and I were separated at birth. I'm the youngest by only 2 minutes. That's all you need to know for now, so let's start from the beginning.

February 14, 2000: when our mom gave birth to us she immediately told the doctor she only wanted one of us, the oldest to be more specific. Me being the youngest was put into immediate foster care. My mom gave birth in a hospital in California but after me being put into foster care she moved to London with my brother. I was taken in by an amazing family, I had two dads. They were amazing parents and I thought having two dads was perfectly normal.

Elementary school got tuff I realized most people didn't have two dads but they had a mom and a dad, and by most I meant I was the only one who had two dads. People would call me names and say how my dads were "fags" but it never really fazed me because I knew I was different too. Most kids have "girlfriends " in younger grades but I never had a "girlfriend" I never even found interest In a girl. Pushing that to a side I also never found an interest in sports, I preferred music and art. My dad Jordan, taught me how to play the guitar and the piano. I'll never forget the long nights practicing till midnight with him. My other dad Matthew taught me how to draw and paint which got me a pretty easy A in art class.

Slowly transitioning to Middle school, I really didn't have friends, so I made them online. They helped me realize I wasn't the only guy who was attracted to other guys. I ended up watching a bunch of videos on youtube about gay couples and how they got through everything they went through. I then decided with my fourteen year old brain to make a youtube account, and that's exactly what I did. I made an account and made videos talking about being gay and how I felt. My account grew, I started making more content. I posted video after video everyday, gaining and gaining subscribers by the minute. My channel grew from four to five people to a hundred thousand in only a year, making all my other social media accounts grow. That's when I got a direct message on Instagram. The message just said "I love your pictures and videos, you help me get through the day". That's how everything started.

I started texting him every few days, then every day, to every hour. He was nice, he was sweet, he was nice to talk to. Looking at his Instagram I saw how perfect he was. His sweet friendly smile, medium brown hair with blonde highlights, rosey cheeks, crystal eyes. The only problem was everyone said he looked like me, same facial features, same body type, same eyes, the only difference was my dyed white hair but if I had my natural hair we would look exactly alike. I found it weird, it was like we were twins. All I could think about was him how perfect we looked alike my thoughts that day where "This kid, spencer, he looked like me".

It was after my fifteenth birthday when I thought my life was over. My dad Matthew got into a car accident and was immediately rushed to the hospital, where he passed away a days later of internal bleeding in the head. We were all devastated, it felt like hell was raining down on us. My dads where the only support I had and now one is gone. That's when I started getting really depressed, I never wanted to leave the house. I felt like the world was going to end without him, but Spencer, he helped me get better.

Spencer lived in a family with two younger sisters. His family also wasn't very supportive of him being gay. They always told him if he dated a boy that they would send him away, he was terrified. Some how I helped him get better with my videos, yet I couldn't even help myself. We were so close and yet across the world from each other. It was like we where the same person mentally.

School got harder, people started harassing me more, pushing me into lockers or calling me names. The harassment got more physical, getting punched, kicked, tripped. I hid away from everyone, id wait for everyone to be in class so I could walk to my own without something happening. I knew high-school was coming soon and I knew it was going to be worse than middle school. Music helped listening to music and singing became my escape. I started to make cover videos on youtube, I was so proud of them. Spencer seemed to enjoy them as much as I did. Every time I posed a cover he would text me and say how brave I was and how much he wished he could be out so much as I am. He was known as a jock at is school because he was on the football team and all the cheerleaders wanted to date him because no one truly knew he was gay.

It felt like forever till high school, honestly. Spencer helped me through a lot of my pain. I wanted to meet him so bad but yet again he lived across the country. I needed to physically say thank you to him and hug him for all the times he's listened to me rant about nonsense. He was there when no one else was. People always asked me if we were related and I never really thought of it. I liked being an older child but I thought maybe it would be nice to have a brother or sister.