Diary ng Backslider

#1 may 7,2017

"N.p- Jesus my savior- victotry worship"

Matagal tagal naring hindi ako nakinig sa mga christian music..and this time while im alone in my place i happened to be playing it now..
Eto na nmn...this familiar feeling kpag nakikinig ako ng Godly music.. Ung feeling na masarap ang gaan..but at the same time..masakit...malungkot... 
I have no intention of crying a lot now... But this is the moment that i have the chance that i can do it whether i plan to or not.. "Oh search my heart and make it pure.....Jesus my savior, lover of my soul.your sacrifice became my cure..the promise keeper..." As the song goes...and I..
I just suddenly broke into tears as if my chest is going to explode..
Dear Jesus...life is hard..and i so feel so much emptiness within me...a life without You..ahhh..really..ugh..tears just kept flowing as the song kept on playing...
I dont know how to deal with me..my heart grew harder each day i refused you to be in my life..why am i like this...
This is not my plan the first time i get to know you..really..my life is going down.. Tapos na ung music.. Next track playing...i will lay it down.. Sa tingin ko...pinapatamaan ako ng mga songs na pinakikinggan ko..maybe God's way of telling me na He still wants me..

Hi..my name is Mirami..30 yrs.old and i know the life that im living now is the life that is not pleasing to God.
for the past 9 yrs. Of my life..my relationship with Him..is on and off..off and on..how i wish its always ON.
The last time i attended church was...hmm..i cant remember exactly..but its about almost a year now..

6:50 pm
Just got out of my den..here now at the park..sitting at the corner..watching a volleyball game..and looking at the  beautiful sky..i knew so well..YOu made it look like it is extra pretty today..so ill get to remember You..
I have know idea how long will i stay here..its good to be out here in the open..oh how i love the air..and the smell of the fresh acacia flower falling from its tree..no one here would lnow that im out here now coz i needed to breathe..and be free from my own prison..what a beautiful escape..pi should be escaping this often..
I love life.i love adventure.but my life is so sedentary..how can i change things..? ...im becoming exactly the opposite person that i should be...
This past few months ive been thinking about dying...coz i find my life to be so non sense..whats the point of me continuing to live? Dear Jesus..life jas been hard for me.