Thoughts of a Student

Left Alone

Anxiety, we all have some form or another: snakes, small spaces, heights, strangers. They come in all shapes and colors, and they can hit us without any warning.

I didn't always have anxiety; there was a time in my life where I could be in the center of a crowd without a care in the world. I could laugh and dance and smile without ever considering who was watching or care what they thought.

Now I care, now I wonder if I'm laughing too much, dancing too suggestively, smiling at the wrong person. Now I care what they might think; now I can't be in the crowded room, I can't be surrounded by new people for fear of what they might think of me, fear of what they might do to me.

Everyone knows that most anxiety is unfounded to a rational mind, but for someone whose phobia develops from an event; you can't fault their caution. At that point, anyone could be an enemy, anyone could want to hurt you, anyone could the monster that sprang from the shadows.

You do everything in your power to avoid the monster. You hide in the light, you avoid the hunting grounds, you lose yourself to the fear of what might happen. You want to be left alone, you beg people to leave you to your own devices; you hope and pray that your friends don't want to go out. If they do, God forbid, you wear the most inconspicuous clothes, you stay in the background, you watch all the potential monsters; you don't relax, you don't drink anything, you pray for the night to be over quickly. You throw smiles at your friend so that she doesn't see the growing darkness that swims through your body. You can't let her see the fear that surrounds every breath she takes, every smile she throws carelessly; you try not to panic at the hair flips and laughter that she hands out like candy on Halloween.

The panic grows, so you tell her that you don't feel well or that you have an early morning. You see the disappointment that flashes in her eyes, and all you want to do is tell her. You can't though; you don't want her to know the darkness. You don't want her to lose her laugh, her carefree dancing, or her smile.

You go with her every time she asks even when you feel like the darkness will swallow you whole. You go because just one time your friends left you alone, and you know what happens when a girl is left alone.