She Had Green Eyes

John holds my hand from behind me as they take her away.

"She just needs oxygen" he says, "no big deal".

But it is a big deal. I know her, she's hurt. From the Inside. I feel her. She's so close yet so far away.

John is shaking. He knows this is a big deal, his palms are sweating when I know he is freezing. He looks at me and smiles, one of those pokerface smiles he gives me to reassure me. When all it does is clench up my chest even more.

"What if she doesn't come back?" I say

"Then we'll know she wasn't meant to" he replies. He's just saying that to avoid the idea. The possibility of her being gone. I guess we'll just have to wait for whatever fate brings us. Whatever fate brings HER.

                                                       *                *                 *               *

She had green eyes they said, I was her mother, but I couldnt remember giving birth to her . Nor could I remember the months of pregnancy. Her tiny heart beat quietly. Her breath short and unsteady. I wondered how her smile could stay so wide despite the missing pieces inside of her. Her skin so smooth and soft. I held her in my arms and gave her her bottle. Watched her in silence as she drank her milk.

Her cries eco when I'm in another room, almost as if there's two of her. No one hears the second cry but me, I don't know how or why. It's so crisp and clear and I wonder why I am the only one who hears it. I wonder why people tell me she's not here. I wonder why they say she's gone, when I see her. When I feel her. I guess I'll never truly understand this world. With generous people living in the streets and thieves who live in mansions. I guess I'll never truly believe in karma. When no one believes me. When no one sees HER. 

Her eyes were grey they said. I could feel her presence. She was the tiny eco that rang after each of my heart beats. I will never understand why they tell me she's gone, when I feel her heartbeat eco mine. When her grey eyes transform into the bright green they once were, and she smiles at me from the distance. They said I was crazy, that I needed help.

But is craziness defined by the amount of love you have for someone? Is it defined by the pain you feel when a piece of you has blown away in the wind and all that's left is the sound of the tiny drumbeat that you knew never existed?.

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe the bright green eyes were always grey to begin with. But I'd rather be crazy then let a piece of my heart fade away.