Road Bump

Dear Kay,

I remember the first time I saw you. You walked into class looking lost and uncertain. You almost looked like a lost puppy; I thought it was very cute. You told Mr. Reynolds that you were new and that you had just moved from New York. As in New York City. I can't imagine how much of a change it must be, moving from one of the biggest cities in America to our little town here in Michigan. I remembered asking if you thought it felt empty here. I thought it did. I wish you didn't have to experience the feeling of vacancy I feel every time I walk through this compact town.

You looked so relieved when Mr. Reynolds didn't ask for anymore instruction. I don't blame you; I wouldn't like being forced to introduce myself to a group of obtuse strangers who can't even come close to know me personally. Even after you sat down, in the back of the classroom no doubt, you looked scared. Your hands were shaking and your face was pale. But even your obvious nerves weren't enough to hide your eyes. Your beautiful storm cloud grey clouds. They were filled with such sadness. The kind of sadness that only comes with an undescribable amount of pain. I would know; It's the same kind of pain I see everytime I look in the mirror. I wondered what happened to you. Of course, I never expected you to answer that. I simply pondered.

Why did you keep your face covered by your hair? Throughout class I noticed you kept your head down, your hair curtained around your face. Why would you do that? Could it be perhaps the thought that if you can't see us, we can't see you? I've thought that before. When I was younger I would hide in my closet as my parents drank themselves into oblivion. I would hope that if I couldn't see them, they wouldn't see me. They wouldn't hurt me if I wasn't there. I would wish that I was invisible. I'm sure you felt like that sometimes too.

I remember when we got close. You would always laugh with me, and you always had something to say. You were always questioning why someone like me would talk to someone like you. Even now I'm still not sure what you meant. Someone like me? Someone like you? What was so wrong with you? I think you're perfect. If anything, I should have asked why you decided to open up to me.

I remember spending the summer together. I remember driving my pickup to the middle of an empty field and you telling me all the constellations you knew. I would pretend to know what you were talking about because I wanted to impress you. You should know, I had no clue what you were talking about. I just liked listening to you. Those few moments were one of the only times I ever saw you really light up. It was so peaceful. I know I speak for both of us when I say it's one of our best moments.

I remember falling in love with you. I wasn't able to tell you for the longest time because I knew you would freak out. You would think I was lying and you would stop talking to me, and I was right. You sure can slap hard. Those three weeks without you was the most miserable time I'd ever been through. I wanted to talk to you, but I knew you needed your time. So I waited, and every moment without you was the most distressing thing I've experienced.

I love you

I remember the night we made up. I told you everything I ever loved about you: your hair, your smell, your personality, your sass, your eyes, and your pain. You cried on my shoulder, leaving mascara stains on my shirt. That's my favorite shirt now. You hugged me and whispered in my ear that you loved me as you dozed off. Your mascara had run down your cheeks and your cheeks were blotchy from all the crying. You had racoon eyes from your eyeliner and they were red and puffy. Nothing could compare to your beauty in that moment. 

I love you.

I remember when we dated. All of your insecurities finally came out into the open. A girl would pass us and you would get jealous. I don't know how, I've only ever had eyes for you. I remember that time we got into a fight because I smiled at a girl. It was a kind smile because she had been trying to talk to me. I was angry and upset that you were yelling at me for smiling at a girl I had no interest in at all. You yelled at me that she was skinny. Why did weight matter? I know you're not the skinniest girl. Is that supposed to make me love you any less? I never took notice of your being overweight. I hated when you were bullied for it. Didn't I make that obvious when I punched that kid? Whether you're overweight or underweight, I think you're perfect.

I love you.

I remember when I saw your scars for the first time. I cried like a sniveling fool. I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I thought I had helped you. You helped me. You brought joy to my life. You made me stop injuring myself. Didn't I help you? Your eyes watered when you saw my reaction. I knew you loved me. I kissed your wounds one at a time. Every kiss I let you know what I loved about you. You stared at me with such love and admiration I felt like the luckiest man alive. That was the night you told me you were ready. That night was the most love filled we've ever had.

I love you.

I remember every single one of your quirks. I love the way you would nibble your lip when you were concentrating. I love the way you distracted yourself by working on your grades. You're the smartest person I ever met. I love the way you would twirl your hair absentmindedly when you were bored. I love your habit of biting your nails when you were nervous. I love your singing voice. I love the way you would dance and sing as you cleaned your room. I love the way you plug your ears and close your eyes when someone in a movie does something embarassing, like it was you in their position. I love the way you scrunch up your nose when you think someone is lying to you. I hate the way you scrunched up your nose every time I gave you a compliment.

I hate you.

I hate that you've left me. I hate that you couldn't handle it. I hate that you were my anchor. What happened to together forever? What happened to unconditionally? Anchor? What kind of anchor are you if you couldn't stay strong? Why wasn't I enough? Why couldn't I have done anything? I thought you loved me! I never thought you could be so selfish. Did you even think about me? You were all I had left, and now you're gone. You said it wouldn't be long. That you would be back and we could be together again. This was just a road bump you said. Well you were right. We will be together again. We'll just be together a lot quicker than you expected. I'm coming. I'm going to find you.

I love you.

We'll finally be together again. My time without you has been perfunctory. I'm coming. I'm on my way.

I love you.

Forever and always.

Your love, Finn Baker.

P.S. To the one who finds me lying on the floor, stay strong. I couldn't, and Kay couldn't. But you can. It's never too late to get through it. There will always be one person who could help you. I couldn't handle it, losing my light. But you can. And you will. 

If you have read this, thank you. Thank you for passing on our story. We won't be able to anymore. 

I leave you with this: Never Give Up.