urge

pain

      When you have too much pain your body cannot physically process it, so it goes into shock. The same exact thing happens when something hurts you mentally. When you have too much pain your body has no way to process it, so it simply shuts the pain out with the best of its abilities. When you think about this it probably has helped us more than hurt us. For example a few seconds after getting slapped by Ronald I would always just shut off emotionally so that I didn't have to feel the pain of one who was supposed to give me life, start killing my soul.

      Yes to answer the question in court I was abused up until about 9-10 months ago. I wish it had just been physically, but no i'm pretty sure his whole goal was to kill what was left of my soul which isn't much. The things he would say were things about my physical appearance and I guess academic performance. "You could definitely stand to loose 10 lbs" or "Why the fuck are your grades low?? WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU NEEDED HELP IN MATH YOU KNOW IM A DOCTOR, YOU KNOW IM GOOD AT MATH" If you have ever been told you need to loose weight, then you know the sinking feeling and the questioning of if you are good enough. To be honest i've gotten to a better place where i'm like "Does it really matter if i'm a few pounds over weight?" In all fairness i'm not. Or at least I've been told i'm not. But why would it have to matter if I was, I'm still the same person with or without a few extra pounds.

      If you've ever been told that you were academically enact or dumb then you know how it feels to question that as well. "Why can't i be better at maths? Would that make me more loved?" The answer is not really. I worked my fucking ass off to get every grade higher than a b+ and it didn't have an impact on my social life, maybe because there was something just a little too off about me. Maybe it was the way I styled my too curly hair, or that I wear too much makeup, or that my overly wide hips sway too much when I walk. In any account changing yourself to fit other people's purposes never makes anything better, it's like selling your soul to the devil and still expecting to go to heaven because you gave $2 to a charity.

      If there is one thing that I've learned it's that despite how hard you work, society is a greedy bitch. "Oh you lost 10 lbs, then you better get rid of all your fucking acne or you'll never get a boyfriend." she says. At some point I want to meet the person who originally thought up "Let's make sure no one should have flaws, if they do they're banished." I would hit them over they're ignorant head with a chair or brick, whatever I had on hand would work.

      Well that's all I have for today, just remember being sincere over charming will get you a long ways even if a hell of a lot of people don't like you.

(hello, I promise I'll get on with the story at some point, but right now it's very hard for me because I've held onto these feelings for far too long. At some point it will actually be a story but it may take a while and I'm sorry for that.