'ᴛʜᴇ ɢʟᴏʙᴀʟ ᴊᴏᴜʀɴᴀʟ' || ʜᴇᴛᴀʟɪᴀ

6

"Canada. May 5th, 2017. I was so close. So, so close. I almost succeeded..."

Matthew's heart sank. Bringing his hands under the table, he anxiously started to scratch at his skin, first on his hands then down to his wrists. He could feel the small bumps of previous months. His memories. And then he felt the big one -- a single neat line straight down his arm, not even a month old. That one would stay with him for a long time. Tracing over the fresh scar on his right arm, he refused to make eye contact with anyone.

"That makes the total four, you know. I was ready this time. I was so desperate to leave and not come back and I was almost there! If it weren't for Arthur, I wouldn't be here writing this."

Alfred paused. "You... You knew?" he said accusingly at Arthur.

"Yes, I did." England responded distantly. He glanced at Matthew and then at the table. "Just keep reading, Alfred."

"How come you never said-"

"Francis, not now. Please. Just listen..."

"I haven't thanked him. How can I? It's not what I wanted so I have no reason to be grateful. He hasn't told anyone on my request but I'm worried he will, and that's the last thing I need. I don't want to be mothered. I'm not a kid."

No one said anything. Arthur certainly felt bad that he'd not told anyone, but he had been keeping a promise. So many times, he'd wanted to tell someone, but he didn't. Instead, he'd stayed with Matthew until he was sure the Canadian was truly alright. He spent a week there before he had to get back to England. Matthew didn't mind. Arthur did.

"I haven't told anyone but you my deepest feelings and I want to keep it that way. I don't want to hurt anyone... Even if they hurt me, I could never hurt them... I want them to know why I do this to myself but I can't tell them, because it will break them."

"I-I'm sorry... I j-just need to... U-Uh..."

Matthew rose from his seat and without looking at anyone, he raced out of the room, the doors noisily closing behind him. Alfred stood to go after his brother but he was stopped.

"He'll be fine." Arthur said. "The sooner this all comes out, the better. You can have it out with him afterwards."

"I'm not angry-"

"Don't give me that rubbish. Who wouldn't be?" Arthur interrupted. "I'm amazed you haven't bitten my head of yet, let alone Matthew's. We don't know what we're doing wrong, we don't know know how long he's been doing it for. The only thing we can do is listen and work from there." he said, quietening. "Take it from someone who's been in a similar position to your brother..."

Alfred sat back down with a sigh and stared back at the page. He couldn't believe Matthew hadn't said anything. Four times he'd tried to do something to himself. Four times, and Alfred hadn't noticed. What kind of brother was he if he couldn't even tell something was wrong? He continued to read.