Sleepwalking || Journal

2 . untitled

So this has been something i feel like i need to be open about? I know this will be the first step for me and hopefully it'll give me confidence to go forwards from there. 

I feel like i have to do this in order to feel better in myself and become comfortable with who i am. There will be two parts to this.

Part one : Gender. 

I'm not going to say that i might be transgender, only because i am going through a crisis and this happens pretty often. However, it's always similar. I've been told that this is due to one of my disorders, according to my previous care coordinator.... So, for those who do not know, i am biologically female and i am not 100% sure what i identify as. I'm not comfortable and feel out of place as being female. (Girls rock, don't get me wrong!) I feel more comfortable as being masculine but the idea of being a boy just doesn't seem right either. It's very troubling because there was a time i actually thought i might be transgender but then i gradually felt scared of the thought of telling people this... So i guess, i forced the fact that i am female so therefore i must stick with being my biological gender. I went through a time where i identified as gender fluid but i wasn't happy with that either. Then i felt like i was agender and i felt pretty satisfied with that until a few months ago and then i was like 'here we go again...' so now i am back to square one and i cannot find happiness with who i am. 

Part two : Sexuality. 

Soooo, this is something i cannot figure out for myself. I find women attractive and men attractive but i'm more of a person who is attracted to someone as a person, not just their looks. I would say i am drawn to someone by their personality more than anything. If i had a preference to gender i would say women are those i find more appealing. HOWEVER! I've never had romantic feelings for anyone, never been in a relationship, gonna be single forever i know. Also, the thought of dating a person puts me off so so so much, i have no idea why...  I haven't actually confessed to being bisexual either, probably because no one ever asks what my sexuality is. My mother says that the reason why i am not interested in people romantically is because i haven't met the right person (which i can understand) but i think it's a load of crap at the same time. She always says 'when i get a boyfriend...' i always correct her and say 'or a girlfriend...'. I am very lucky to have a mother like her, she is so accepting and when i admitted to her that i don't like being a woman and thought about getting my breasts removed she wasn't bothered... She just said i wasn't allowed to have the bottom half surgery. 

Anyway, i feel better letting this out, and i hope this helps those who empathize. 

If anyone has any comments  or anything to share i'd love to hear from you, you can either pm me or post a comment down below.