Dad,
I'm scared. I don't know how to think anymore. Should I really be doing what I'm doing? Should I pretend everything is okay- that I'm okay- when it's obvious it's- I'm not? Bry what I did was the 'right' thing to do; Ff says he understands how I feel; Tia makes no comment. If what I did was really right, why do I feel so awful? I haven't seen the girls since I had officially left for good. Sometimes I think about them and wonder if they're okay, or if they miss me as much as I miss them. I even miss Destinie...and that's saying something. The days go by pretty fast for me now. It makes me want to slow time down, if only for a few minutes at a time.
It seems that everything I say or do ends up negatively impacting somebody important to me. I think that if I became mute, my old problems would go away. But, I also think about the new problems I'd have, and the constant questions I'd be faced with. So, I've resolved to give the world what it wants from me-for now. I will talk and laugh and joke and smile and pretend everything's okay because it's what they all want and expect of me.
Sometimes I think about death-how easy it would be to give in to the inevitable. All it takes is a simple slice, or bullet, or full pill bottle. It amazes me how long it takes a human to form, but can be taken away within the matter of a few seconds. I sometimes think about death...then of how I wouldn't be able to do it-have enough guts to end all the frustration and pain.
I've stopped asking Aunt Kimmy, Victoria, Savannah, Ray-Ray, and John-John about you. I used to ask all the time, which turned into every so often, and now barely if at all. Nothing ever changed from the previous times I'd asked about you; you're still gone. Sometimes, I think about the phone calls we shared once upon a time ago. Then I think about all the things I could have said-then about the one thing I should have said-"stay". I keep thinking that if you'd just stayed, my life wouldn't be so complicated. I'd finally have the one thing I've always truly wanted-you.
I'm tired of crying, of hurting, of loving people when all they do is leave. I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of saying "I'm fine" and not meaning it. I'm tired of pretending, of laughing, of caring. I'm tired of trying, of changing, of holding on to nothing. I'm tired of being tired. But for me, 'tired' is the only thing I constantly feel and know anymore. So, what now?
-The Forgotten
YOU ARE READING
Letters From the Forgotten
Non-FictionOnce an easily deceived child, a now-matured girl still writes letters to her absent father, in which she'll never send. Thoughts, broken promises, and tears fill her letters until they all but consume her very being. Now, she learns that she can gr...
