selfish love

The ice wasnt the coldest thing.

I had no plan. Not worried to go and I knew I had no place to go. Maddie you were my best friend and Connor you were always there. I showed up not knowing where to go. Connor you texted me inviting me to come sit by you and your friends. Your sisters first varsity game and she was starting. This was something we couldn't miss. You introduced me to some scrawny boys at the time. Some red head acne faced kept making fun of everyone around him. He was funny and he was surrounded by people. He started talking to me a week later and by the time one month came by of talking I felt like I've known him my whole life. How does one connect so emotionally? Eli was his spunky name. Always wishing people would call him Elias but even more so wishing he could change his name. He wanted nothing else but to live off adrenaline and get out of Minnesota. He saw the world as a book each chapter a new state. He's a gypsy at heart. But the only thing he was changing was his feelings. He knew she wasn't right for him. He changed the way he talked about her. I felt bad. It hurt me seeing this happen. Eventually me eli and Connor were doing it all. We did a lot together. It was fun to have two guy friends that close. Who wouldn't want that? I don't remember when I realized eli was saying he wanted me. The only line that I know made me realize what I was doing was when he said "I know she isn't the one for me, I know there's another girl who understand me better.". I knew that was me. We read each other so well. It was natural. It was easy for him to help me because he understood what I liked and how I liked it and how fast my thoughts go and how emotionally I get about certain topics. He got that about me as I did for him. What a weird concept. You eli were my checklist. The type of person I thought you were was the type of guy I wanted but I didn't want you. I knew that it couldn't happen. So me and Connor started talking more. We went on a couple dates and then we really started growing away. Eli got closer with his girlfriend while me and Connor grew together. We then had a conversation on where this was going and Connor said "I'm not over my ex I can't do this.". I hung up I was so upset and I called eli. I was so confused and angry and hurt. Connor was always someone I wanted to be with and Maddie encouraged it. I then was getting a call from Connor as eli was on the phone so I hang up and answer connor. He's telling me how he was wrong. He can't stop thinking about what he's done and how he wants to be with me. At the time I didn't realize that he was choosing between me and his ex. He chose her at first but she was moving on so I became the second option. Eli was always there for me through all of that. We then Connor and I started dating 06/01/16. Would be a year in couple days actually. Wow I never thought about that. You were gentle and soft and caring Connor. But you were always on your toes around me. You never wanted to say the wrong thing so you never spoke up. You didn't want to do anything wrong because you thought I deserved perfection but that's what ruined us. I didn't like that. I wanted a rush and sloppy and do it as you go typa relationship. I wanted you to take risks that would only make you want me more. I wanted it to be natural but that only seemed to make it worse.

I had a bonfire with all my friends and of course when you host half your clothes end up being borrowed. Eli still trying to be close with me ends up taking one of my hockey sweatshirts representing my school. That next weekend was the boys state lacrosse tournament where Eli, the big lacrosse players team didn't make it, however my boys team did. So he jokingly said to connor "I'm going to wear Anna's sweatshirt to their game.". Connor than told me that and as we laughed about I became interested in going to the game. So without thinking about how it would affect Connor I asked Eli to pick me up so I could go watch with him. After we went to the lacrosse game we went to eat at chipotle and then hung out at my schools track. It was so casual. Felt like we could relive that day forever. After than I realized I couldn't be with connor anymore. I didn't want to be with Eli either. But I noticed how I needed someone more on the fly. No planning no expectations just learning about each other as time goes on instead of a questionnaire. So the next night I broke up with connor. I asked to meet him but he couldn't and demanded I not wait and that I just tell him what was on my mind. It was hard. I don't think he realized just how hard it was for me because of what happened next. But I didn't like knowing I was hurting him. I wasn't honest with him. I never truly wanted to get into that relationship because I knew I enjoyed him so much as my friend. Connor was hurt. He didn't understand. I wasn't even helping him. I just wanted it over never game him a chance to be better for me. He would've done anything for me. That's just the type of guy he is. He is so passionate and I hated being that person to not let him treat me right. He ended up getting a girl who he deserves. Someone to treat him right. I couldn't have done that. I was always wondering if there was someone better.