selfish love

How it ends

Senior year starts and you want anything but regret. I don't even feel like explaining every to you guys cause it's so pointless. Eli starts snapping me secretively because we want to be friends but he has his girlfriend still. They break up and we start talking more. I find a guy and want to move on. I keep seeing elis name on my phone and just sike myself out. I remove eli off snap and than he starts to text me and I just keep saying I don't wanna talk to him. Things fall through with this guy and things happened with hockey and I just wanted to talk to someone. So I text Eli asking if he can talk. He invites me to his house at about 1 am. I get 5 min form there and I get pulled over and sent home. As I'm going home I'm like well everything happens for a reason obviously I shouldn't be talking to Eli. Well I turn around and go back to his house. We talk until 5 am and then he just starts kissing me. I should've stopped it and ran away. I didn't really even want that from him. I didn't want to be kissing him. I did anyways. It was weird he kissed so hard and without any passion. I knew what was happening. Once things started getting to far I stopped. I pulled and just laughed while asking "what are we doing?". I then just flipped around and faced the couch because I didn't want to expect anything more than a hook up. I was almost asleep but I could see Eli sat up and was just staring at me and than after a couple seconds he just formed himself next to me. I then had to wake up an hour later to go home. I woke up to him kissing my neck and face in between him saying "you need to wake up ". I don't know why he was doing that. It was weird. It felt like we were a couple again and I didn't want that. I was confused and tired. I got up eventually and snuck back out. He told me to wait at my car and than a couple minutes later he came up to my window. He told me to text him when I'm home or sleep in my car till I'm not tired and can drive. I went home and than got grounded. I love Eli. I love him like I love the winter. I look forward to it but when it comes its cold. I heard from Eli a couple times after that. I didn't really care. I knew what that night was. I knew what it all meant. There's gotta be a time where the cycle ends. Where I want to be friends again than I ignore him but then he'll text me saying he needs me or I need him. It continues. But this I believe ended it. Ended all that was there. I no longer think me and Eli will have a future. I no longer think of how he hurt me at all. It's weird to not have the weight of how him on my heart. I almost miss it.
Almost.

If you are reading this Eli just know you were never a waste of time for me you were a threat of it. You scared me on how easy id sacrifice for you without a double thought. You didn't really notice it and you didn't ask for it but I was doing everything I could for you to see me how you used to and me to see you how I used to. It's not there anymore. The light in your eyes of excitement and love and adventure. It's faded and it's cold. It's missing out on the stuff right in front of you. You're not seeing it. I wish I could be the one to help you but I know I'm not. I know if anything I make it worse. Please Eli, take care of yourself before others, especially girls.

Yours truly,
Anna