Two things reside in my heart. They pull at me every which way. In my fantasies they haunt me and the worst part is that they're so close to reality. My incompetence prevents me from hope of each, though this may seem silly once I tell you why these are.
The first is summer. I yearn to feel the warmth of the sun touching my pale skin. I cannot remember the last time the harsh winter yielded to above freezing and occasionally I doubt it ever will.
This has plagued me since I was a small child experiencing her first snow. Every year at the first snow I feel such fascination with the white world around me. I sense it before I can even glance out the window. Something has shifted. Often times I run downstairs and come bursting out the door. My feet are frightened by the cold of the outdoors but I carry on until my toes turn pink. Then I retreat back inside but before I can shut the door behind me I inhale deeply. Somehow I smell the snow, more pure than rain, that fills my lungs to the brim with thoughts of Christmas trees and cocoa.
It stays that way for awhile. Then sometime in February I look out the car window and the snow by the road is covered in sludge. Then something new shifts and I'm so done. So very done with winter because I'm getting sick and tired of being cold. It's fascinating how quickly I resolve that spring should be right around the corner. Luckily, it usually is. Things start to melt and then my toes cherish the water that flows up and down city streets, following inescapable routes until it makes it's way to the river.
This winter has been long though. Too long. I'm about ready to walk outside and scream to the sky above and the earth below "I'M READY FOR THE RAIN." But the sky doesn't listen because the sky doesn't care and the earth doesn't listen because the earth doesn't care. So I mind my own business with the occasional desperate and despairing glance out the window where trees are bare.
Now I have placed so many of my hopes on summer. Places I will go, people I will be with. Especially people I will be with in places I go. Such high, high hopes can never be achieved.
