PROLOGUE:
Questions after questions..
Why do u do this?!
When do u do this?!
Whats going through your mind when u do this?!
There were so many questions tackling me that morning when everyone found out about me..there were also many unanswered questions as i just walked past like everyday with my mask on..my laughing, smiling, pretending everything's okay mask.
Chapter 1:
Every night was a sleepless night. A night of wet lashes batting against my eyes as hurt-felt tears strolled down my bruised cheeks. All those words being hurled at me beat me down like the fists of my dad. "Why?!" Every night i would scream into my pillow! "Is it because you messed up!!" "Because you cant except the fact that this family is broken?!" Well you know what dad it isn't me who messed this up, it's you and until you except that you're life will forever be confusing and messed up.
*Depression is like drowning; it's dark and deep and hard to understand..except you can see everyone else around you breathing and happy with there perfect lives.*
Chapter 2:
It just amazes me that you can beat the ones you swore you loved the ones you told over and over again you would change for..your own babies and your own wife. You made me do this! You made me wreck the only temple God made for me, it was unique it was me!
Thats okay because i have news for you..I'm still unique each scar reminds me that each word each fist that put me down is let go from my body it escaped and my scars were sewn tight and healed by the love of my mother filled in with support not abuse. My wrists are the canvas and the paintbrush isn't a razor anymore it's my moms lips as she brushes them over each scar telling me it's going to be okay.
Chapter 3:
The worst by far was not of what my dad did to me but to my dearest mother. Domestic abuse plays over and over in my head. When he choked her, knowing she couldn't defend herself all wrapped up in her bed sleeping. Or when he punches, kicks, spits, pokes, and repeatedly dumps a sea of harsh words on her; salt water that gets in her wounds and burns her inside out taking all her strength away, making her feel empty and worthless to the point to where she believes your statements and remarks are true and doesn't even feel the strength to push herself out of bed and walk out the door because she doesn't feel good enough. She does though. She gets up for her kids and im 1/3 of the reason she does.
Chapter 4:
Are u happy now?
Are you happy that your daughter has depression and flayed her skin like a fish. Are you happy you made your wife feel like a piece of worthless crap that shouldn't even walk this Earth..because that's what you did. Your a pro at stealing, lying, hurting, guilt tripping, putting down, and HAVING EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS WITH OTHER WOMAN. If this is what you were going for; breaking your family apart and terrorizing your loved Ones.. Pushing away the only support you had Man you did it! You win! We surrender, I don't want to fight this battle anymore because these wounds are tearing my limbs off one by one and pretty soon I won't have anything left.
Chapter 5:
My mom grabs the rocks thrown at me and builds a bridge out of them..she helps me over the bumps and cracks of life, excepting my perfect imperfections. God leading us through this terrible experience has taught me how to overcome my addictions. It made me as well as my whole family stronger and wiser. Who do u trust, who is there for you, and what do truth should you believe? It all makes sense now.
Chapter:6
•what is it like to cut do u ask or to be depressed..kinda like walking on a beach blindfolded, you don't know where your going..you just know you're going deeper. That's what the build-up to cutting is like. Depression kind of blinds you in a way; you go deeper and you just keep going till you drown, you want air you want relief. You don't want to drown anymore. Now imagine the relief when someone pulls you up from that water. That relief you feel when you're saved is kind of what cutting was like for me. Relief from pain, from words, from beating, from your imperfections, from the hurt, from not feeling good enough, and from insecurities. You might find cutting disgusting and you might never understand it, but when you're drowning, you need saving, you need relief. So what is cutting you ask•
~Its relief~
•our family is a pack of warriors, we now have thicker skin and you can't hurt us anymore•
