Love, Confusion & A Rather Large Amount Of Pizza

Chapter 2

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to think.

I don't know what to... I don't know.

I DO know.

I'm gonna go home. I must have been stood here staring at my boyfriend (well, ex-boyfriend now I suppose) for the past ten minutes or so now so he might be a bit freaked out. Yep. He's definitely a bit freaked out. I can tell by the way he's backing away slowly and the alarmed expression on his face. I think I'll just... go...

I'm walking back to my house now, wondering where it all went wrong. He didn't even tell me WHY he's broken up with me. Maybe I should go back and ask him. Maybe I shouldn't. He's probably still a bit freaked out with the whole staring at him for ten minutes straight thing.

I can't explain what I'm feeling right now.

Upset.

Obviously.

Confused.

Devastated.

That's the same sort of thing as upset, really, but never mind.

And I'm angry too.

Why am I angry?

Why should I be angry?

I'm so angry I've just slammed the front door and made all the china in our cabinet rattle. Thank god mum's not home. He's have a hissy fit if any of that stupid crocery broke.

I'm stood in the middle of the front room now, fists and teeth clenched. I'm ANGRY. I need to inflict my anger onto something. I look around the room for some inspiration. The table will do. I turn it over in a frustrated manner, but it doesn't really help. Plus I don't think mum will be too pleased if she came home to an overturned living room table. So I'll... just... put it back...

And then I'm stood again.

I don't know what to do with myself.

As I walk along our landing and up the stairs, I think about all the things that have happened to me recently.

It's just all going wrong for me.

Not just the Baekhyun thing.

Just everything.

And I hate it.

I absolutely hate it.

I'm in my bedroom now, not really angry any more. Just... sad. I can feel my eyes stinging and a lump rising in my throat.

Oh dear.

I'm gonna cry.

I can remember the last time I cried. I've had a few sniffles every now and then but I haven't properly cried since then. It was when mum told me about what had happened to dad. Even with my goldfish-like memory, I can remember exactly what she said to me, but I won't go into details on that. I wept none stop for four days, never speaking a word. But that was when I was only nine and I never, ever cry now.

And here I am telling you all this whilst I'm stood in my room with tears pouring down my cheeks, watching as they drip slowly onto the floor.

Before I know it, my face is in my pillow and I'm howling, properly howling and letting out all the emotion that's been building up over such a long period of time and not caring if anyone can hear me and my throat hurts already and now my face and pillow are all soggy and I don't want a soggy face, you stupid pillow, so just keep your soggyness to your self, please. I throw it across my room and hear something fall to the ground but I don't care.

After what seems like hours, I sit up and put my head in my hands. The howling's stopped but the tears still flow freely.

And I just sit.

With the tears still falling.

Wondering what I should do next.

... And then my phone starts ringing.