The Sex Mask
So this is basically a nonfiction book but not all of my facts will actually be facts –however that does actually work because it’s like nonfacts, nonfiction! Duh! If you are having trouble in your sex life, if your worried about what’s normal and what’s not, if you have some seriously awkward situations or your just not sure what’s real or not then you’ve come to the right place! Or the right book.
Either way I’ll update once a week but I’ll always be happy to talk to you about anything (and I mean anything) even though you might come to the realisation that my advice may not be the best advice.
But I hope you enjoy it!
Sex
Now I’m not here to give the whole lecture about no sex before marriage or to give the whole talk about how the legal age of sex is way too high. In all honesty, my opinion of under age sex is unpassionate and seriously uninterested –hopefully that won’t be what I’m like in bed- but I’m writing this to explain a few things that I find awkward and maybe you will too, a few things that I’ve experienced that haven’t gone as planned and a few facts that may or may not actually be factual.
Now I’m just going to go out there and say I’m not any where near the legal age and yet, I’ve still done more things then half of the people in my year wouldn’t have done before they graduate; so before you bring out the names, I can honestly say that I have been totally ready for what I’ve done and I am yet to regret anything –then again, everything I’ve done has turned out to be embarrassingly disastrous- however I’m curious if I’ll think that after I break up with the guy I have gone ‘exploring’ with. I think I possibly might regret a few things but I am trying to think optimistically so I’m not going to let that cross my mind. Yet.
Anyway talking about my age wasn’t the reason I wrote this and although I’m still a virgin, I wouldn’t say I was what you would call inexperienced –unless it was based on how good I was and then I am definitely inexperienced but that’s not the point- but that’s not why I wrote this –I by no means want to brag about any of this because it’s not something I want flashing around everywhere- I’m just going to share some of the things that have happened to me in my adventure into sex.
Like how the first –and only- time I have given a hand job, I’m not sure how it started but there I was making out with the guy who I was pretty sure I loved and was pretty sure loved me when my hand slipped into his pants and out came the gold; only after realising we had a strict time limit –it was around 20 minutes- I came to the conclusion that I was not good at what I was doing. Despite the fact that he was moaning and telling me that I was doing well. Liar. And I’m not sure about you but if the first time you give a guy a hand job and you can’t get him to reach a finish, I’d recommend hiding in the bottom of a basement. Like I felt like doing. But for all of you who know what you are actually meant to do, what do you do after?
“Oh yeah, I’ll be right back, I’m just going to grab some tissues.” Well isn’t that just a lead into awkwardness? The whole concept confuses me honestly but it wasn’t like I didn’t want to do it, its just that it was embarrassingly clear that hand jobs and me weren’t friends –despite the fact, practise makes perfect, I’m still deciding if this is something I want to practise.
Although there is something I don’t mind practising and that’s kissing and not just your normal peck –I mean the full on making out kind of kissing. Not that I started off very good at that either. You see, I admit that some people are just all round naturals and there are some people that no matter what, they can never actually be good; they are the kind of people I always felt really sorry for –that was until I found out I was one of them- however it seems to be that if I focus on it really hard then I’m ok, maybe a little lower then average but ok is better then nothing. Only as soon as I loos concentration –maybe if only to moan- well, it goes down hill fast. And just a tip, for people who haven’t quite made it to the stage where they meet someone the day before and decided to go to a park with them, secretly hoping they’ll ask you out but instead you get a hook-up, well if you haven’t reached that stage then I’ll give you a tip that no one ever gave me if you actually are planning to make out with them. Close. Your. Eyes.
Just a heads up –or a eyes closed. Whatever you want to call it.
Anyway there just two of my sadly very long list of embarrassing experiences and next time (next chapter) I’ll be writing about facts that aren’t actually real and what to believe and what not to believe –don’t worry, I have an interesting story for you there as well.
Vote if you liked it and PM (private message) or comment if you want a chat because I like chatting.
And I mean just like a chat about whatever you want J not just sex, don’t worry.
Anyway, thanks for reading!
Jesus, I feel like Doctor Phil –only the dickless version.
