Nothing really

Entry #1

As I type this I stare at a relatively new phone, Samsung obviously, and the clock behind reads 11:04pm. It's a school night but this is what I've always done, stayed up so I could watch some shitty thing on Netflix or pretend like a youtube video interests me.

I don't try to be edgy, and I sure as hell don't want to sound "emo". But as I log back onto this site for the first time in 2 years I am so fucking sad. I have felt sad for the past few months, I'm young but I still feel like I need someone I can talk to, closely in a better, more relaxed way. 2 years ago that's exactly what I had and I loved it, I was so happy and she made me so happy. I feel depressed and I can always talk seriously about killing myself but the fact that I haven't done it yet I don't know.

I'm reading back through this, correcting spelling errors and taking out or putting in sentences. I'm realising why I never talk to anyone about my sadness. It's because I'm afraid they'll think I'm attention seeking, they'll say nothing bad happens to you stop crying about it. Present day, it's not the girl two years ago that's got me sad, it's everyone around me now.

I like 3 girls now. On this day. Last year it was one. Over two years rumours are easily spread about you, especially if you've sat in a corner for the past year reading a book. Rumours of my sexuality, who I like, other things too. Now this first entry is explaining the past, future entries will fill holes and talk about my problems more. Trouble I have with writing it is organising it all.

We'll start from the beginning of last year.

New class. New students and new friends. I'm no longer the smartest or tallest. I was never the most popular. I'm currently growing my hair out for charity, and I'm growing it long. So naturally an ignorant, fat, idiotic boy has to make fun of a boy with long hair. "You can't afford a haircut", "fag looks like a girl!". Shit like that. However among all these people a girl who we'll call Stacy in case anyone from my school finds this clusterfuck of emotions. Now Stacy isn't a supermodel; but I fucking liked her a lot. This is the first girl.

She wasn't in many of my lessons and we had completely different friends. I liked her but of course  she only thinks I'm the weird kid wearing a beanie. I'll explain the beanie later. Anyway, I'm developing a huge crush on her. Still am, when a certain science lesson happens.

This science lesson everyone remembers, it's was early on a Wednesday and I was having a good day so far, really good, untill some if the popular kids get moved next to me. I don't like the popular kids, I hate them. They all fuck with me and distract me untill one, we'll call Jacob decided to fling my pencil case and everything inside, everywhere. This had been what set off my hair trigger, as he sat their laughing and calling me fag boy I stood up. Walked over to him. Grabbed his head, and smashed it on the table, hard. The whole class goes silent. I get a detention and he gets head damage for a week. Since he was a popular kid I am now even more hated, but I still like Stacy.

We'll now proceed back to the boy making fun of someone who's helping cancer patients. It's a sunny day and I'm walking home with friends, two boys are ahead, they turn around and see it's me so start to make fun of me. I tell them to shut up but they carry on, I tell them again but they carry on. I now snap (again) and get the first in a headlock and start to choke him.i shut him up, let him go and he runs home. The next boy I walk to, seemingly calm. I then punch him in the side of the head and bring him to the ground, he cries like a bitch. I leave him there in public, crying in his piss as I walk home. The next day is filled with, he's the kid who beat up ------. (He doesn't deserve a name). I get recognition finally.

Stacy starts to talk to me more so naturally I try to talk more often, on Instagram and such. She ignores me.

That is pretty much that whole year. I did get good grades and such and I tried as hard as possible to get closer to Stacy. I liked her a lot.

-2nd year-

Everyone's back and everyone's different. I catch up with people and this is where the second girl comes in. We are so similair, we like the same music, were both good at it and also we love art. We'll call her Olivia. I'm closer two Olivia then Stacy, and I like her just as much but I feel horrible going after her since she's my friends friends.

I'd like to reiterate a previous point, my organisation of thoughts is terrible, and I can't write half the shit I want to, there's too much. But I'm always open for support.

Back to my life. Stacy and Olivia are my new crushes. Girls around me I hate, boys to. One girl however I especially hate, a short girl who I've had to sit next to in everything because of register order, I hate her. Yet in the past year I've begun to like her, more and more. She's hilarious and we do argue a lot, in a love/hate way. But either way this girl, "Emily" was amazing.

If we just look at the girls I've liked then that's it, for this school, however other girls pop up. They'll be explained next entry. But if we get two within around 3 weeks of now we look at how close I've become with Stacy. Her only though, her friends hate me and I hate them. Anyway, she's in my class for a double period and we site next to eachother, ironically near Emily. Anyway, we talk to eachother and I love our conversations, no matter how little they are. But as we go on to two weeks ago, I miss that lesson because of illness. Then she actually messages ne, "where were you? I got bored." And my heart goes fucking crazy. She messaged ME. I talk to her and explain and keep the conversation alive, she actually says "wow you can hold a conversation better then anybody" and I fall in love all over again with her. We then skip to last week, we are close and in the double lesson she leans to me and says "Meghan has a crush on you." Meghan was her best friend and a closeish friend of mine, I didn't believe her. I didn't believe her about much ever because she did of course screenshot our whole conversation and send it to all her friends, I guess that normal for people like her. I guess I like Meghan, but we just can't like eachother wig the friendship groups we're in (Stacys had since changed).

We'll now skip to today, the whole reason I started writing this, the thing that has been making me so sad all day. My crush for Stacy is huge, but I still like Emily and Olivia. Anyway, someone I know (not a friend) decides  to -for the 3rd time!- spread a rumour about me liking someone, the first was Stacy, the second some other person, and the third... Olivia. Now everyone knew I hated Olivia beforehand they still thought o did which was good, however what hurt most was the fact that he fucking said something like that, right after we get close and friendly. This "Charlie" was dumb. Really dumb. He had no common sense yet for some fucking reason this rumour spread like fucking wildfire, and I hated him. I still do. Now this reason alone seems like nothing, but this thought of writing something like this has floated around my head for a while so I finally did it.

This finishes extract 1, carry on waiting and reading each weekly extract so that I don't feel that I'm venting my words to nothing. But it us now 12am and I finish it here.

PS- the beanie was from the girl that made me so happy two years ago, I wore it all the time after she broke up with me. More on her and other outside girls next extract though.