Bitter Sweet ||Larry Stylinson|| AU!

Bitter Sweet

This is what love feels like I guess. This hole in my heart that will never be healed or fixed or patched up again. I had a different idea of love, but not everything goes your way. Even through all this pain I would never trade meeting him to have this hole fixed. Never. Even the thought of him brings pain back through. Instead of blood pumping through my veins it's venom, and every time it pumps through my heart it burns the hole even more. Why am I still breathing, why am I still living, why doesn't the pain kill me?

"Louis please come out! You have been in you room for three days straight! It's been a week he isn't coming back..." my mother's voice softens at the end but it's to late. I'm screaming I'm sobbing.

"leave me alone! He wouldn't ever leave me, stop saying that leave, just leave!" I yell at the door. I hear foot steps shuffling by my door than I hear nothing. Silence. Silence has become my new friend.

It's been a week since he has left. It can't be a week. It feels like it was just yesterday he was laughing at my dumb jokes. I haven't left my room for three days. I haven't ate anything. What's the point of living he isn't here anymore.

He hasn't left. Everybody's just crazy. He would never leave me he promised me this Friday we would sleep over for the first time ever in the tree house.

The tree house! It's Friday, holy shit how could I forget. He probably is waiting for me. I quickly jump up and then realize I have been in these same clothes for three days. I have sat in the chair for almost three days. Just sitting waiting, screaming, sobbing, and looking out the window hoping his car would pull in and tell me that everyone was wrong. But that hasn't happened.

I sit back down in my chair and realize how pathetic I have become. I start sobbing again and not the quiet calm one, the loud ugly non-stop sobbing. The one were I can't control the sobs that rip through my body and make unhuman noises come out of my mouth. I hear my mother run back up the stairs.

"Louis come out please calm down let's talk.. It's ok Boo" I start sobbing louder. He used to always call me Boo. my mother starts banging on the door telling me that she is getting very worried.

While she bangs on the door I get up and go to my closet. I see it and start crying again. His sweatshirt is still here. I quickly rip my shirt off and pull his sweater on. It's black and more baggy on me than it was on him. I leave my sweats on and don't even look in the mirror I know what I will see will scare me. My mother is still banging on the door.

"Louis please you need to eat something, you need help ,you need-" she doesn't finish because I have flung the door open. I walk right past her.

"Louis where are you going? " My mom yells after me while I sprint down the stairs. Her voice sounds really worried , normally I would feel bad for not answering her but not today. I get towards the door and quickly slip my shoes on.

"son where so you think your going? Do you not here you mother yelling for you she is worried we are all worried" my father says. Before I even digest his words I say something I would never had said a week ago.

"fuck you! I loved him, I'm gay go ahead dad beat me. Beat the gay out of me. I'm going to go find him. He isn't gone that's bullshit he can't be gone" I started out by yelling now I'm crying but I rub my eyes and open the door.

"son I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." I don't let him finish I slam the door and run towards the car. He can't be gone , just can't be. It's not possible. I'm shaking as I start the car but I don't even notice. I feel myself crying but I don't care. As I'm driving I feel as If I'm not really driving but I'm just sitting here and watching some one else drive.

I turn out of drive way and head towards high way 64. The only good thing about living in this shit hole of a town is that it's small. I get on high way 64 and I don't even feel like it's my brain that's giving me directions to his place but it's my heart.

I'm already in his driveway I must of drove really fast. I look around his mother is home so is his sister. I park the car and just sit there for minutes, hours , days I really don't know. Finally his mother comes out.

"Louis! Oh God Louis your mother says you aren't doing well" she says. I don't remember rolling down my window. Well I don't really remember getting here either, so...

I ingore her and get out of my car. I walk to the back yard she follows, she doesn't say anything she just follows.

"Louis its your last month of school, you know he wouldn't want you to waste it like this." she says and I have to close my eyes to concentrate on walking. If I focus on her words then it will be real everything will be true he will really be gone. So I do what I have been doing best these past days. Be shown silent. I ignore her.

"It's Friday..." I mumble and keep mumbling. "Yes Lou it's Friday" she replies. "He promised, he fucking promised me" I start crying. "I'm sorry Lou he should've told you, he should've." she keeps telling me. Before I even know it I'm sobbing in her arms. I quickly wipe my eyes and straightening back up.

"Well I have a date with him it's Friday he has something planned talk to you later Anne" I say and start walking towards the woods. By now she probably thinks I have lost my fucking my, I think I have lost my mind. "Lou stop, stop this right now" she says. I just keep walking, like I said ignoring her is best. "Lou he's gone! He's gone he's not here. He left. Just stop! Please just stop" she starts yelling and screaming. I just keep walking towards the woods I finally get to the tree house. I still hear her yelling but my mind blocks it out as I look up at the beautiful tree house. We just finished it two weeks ago. It's not really high up but we have a ladder. I start climbing it, and I keep hearing Anne yell. I try to ingore it hoping that when I get up there he will be sitting there and asking me were I have been or quoting to me lines of his favorite book. I finally reach the top I pull myself in and he isn't here but there is blankets set up. I grab one and sit on the ground, the blankets still smell like him. I still hear Anne, and I finally digest it he's gone my Hazza is gone. I don't know how long I have been up here but I hear someone coming up. I start moving backwards towards the corner. I see Anne's head and I start crying. He really is gone. Anne grabs me and holds me, she smells like him I start sobbing again.

"He really loved you, I hope you know that" she says I wipe my nose and nod my head. "You were his first and only love Louis you made him smile, you were his light in the darkness" she starts crying. "He never got close to anyone because he knew he would soon leave, I have always been prepared for him to leave." I try to talk to her and comfort her but I can't. I can't speak I just cry and so does she.

I remember when I first met him...

-j.h