Undecided Love

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan at tatapusin ang kwentong 'to. Everything has started two years ago.. when he came back.. for me. We used to be childhood sweethearts. Nakakatawa nga eh, bata pa lang kami ang lalandi na namin. Hahaha! Biro lang. Pero seryoso, nasa third grading pa lang kami noon crush ko na siya at crush na rin niya ako.

Babies pa kami noon kaya wala pa kaming kaalam-alam kung ano ba talaga ang 'love' o kung paano mo ba malalaman kung mahal mo na ba talaga ang isang tao. Perhaps it's easy for some people to say that they're in love with someone. Admit it, madali lang sabihin na mahal mo ang isang tao kahit na wala kang ka ide-ideya kung ano ba talaga ang pagmamahal. Madaling sabihin, mahirap panindigan. Pero noon 'yun. Iba na ngayon dahil ilang taon na ang nakalipas simula noong 'childhood days' namin.

Naalala ko pa noong nasa third grading kami, siya yung naging tutor ko sa Mathematics dahil ayaw na ayaw ko nung subject na 'yun. He was smart in his own way and that's one of the many unknown reasons why I loved him. We were in grade four noong nagsimula siyang mag-effort. He gave me purple teddy bear and I named her "Beatrice."

Guess what? She's still alive and with me. I treasure that gift so much.

Hanggang sa umabot yung baby kalandian namin sa grade six wherein I can finally say that he was my first love.. and he will always be. It was our grade six graduation day when he wasn't able to attend because he had to attend a basketball game. Importante 'yung game na 'yun dahil CLARAA 'yun at isa siya sa mga nahugot na players sa school namin. Lakas no? First love ko yan!

It was also that day when everything had changed. Hindi ko na maalala kung paano kami natapos noon. Malabo na yung memory na yun sakin eh. Ang alam ko lang, lumipat siya sa ibang school noon at yun na yung huling balita ko sa kanya.

Three years had passed when he started to pop me a message. Three freaking years after our everthing and in all of a sudden bigla siya nagparamdam. We were in third year high school when I knew that he was coming back for me. Hindi ko pinansin yung pakulo niya noon at binalewala ko lang siya.

"Lalandiin lang ako n'yan." sabi ko sa sarili ko noon. "Hindi 'yan marunong mag seryoso." But I was wrong. He was right. Seryoso siya na bumalik siya para sakin. He aimed to win me back.

He courted me for almost five months when I finally admitted that I loved him. That day was October 4, 2015. Wala kaming official na araw kung kailan ba talaga nagkaroon ng kami basta ang alam ko lang, mahal ko siya at mahal niya ako. Yun naman ang importante diba?

Marami kaming pagsubok na napagdaanan noong mga sumunod na araw, linggo, buwan, at taon. Matatag kami, I could say, kasi kahit maraming beses kaming nagkaroon ng ups and downs, umabot pa nga kami sa point na nag hihiwalay kami. Ilang beses namin sinubukan mag hiwalay, paulit-ulit, pero tadhana nga naman, pinagbabalik pa rin kami patungo sa isa't isa. Basta matatag kami kasi nagawa pa namin mag LDR. Literal na long distance relationship because I was out of the country for more than a month.

Matatag kami kahit na ilang beses na kaming nag-aaway dahil lang sa maliit na bagay na lumalaki, at umaabot pa sa point na naghihiwalay na kami. But as I said, masyadong natutuwa ang tadhana samin because no matter how many times we tried to end everything that we had, destiny finds its way for us to be together again.

Umabot pa kami sa punto na we both found our happiness with someone else. Someone that wasn't me, and someone that wasn't him. Pero magaling talaga 'tong destiny namin eh. Four months na kaming wala noon pero destiny finds its way para magkabalikan ulit kami. Parang BDO lang ah, we find ways.

Pero bakit parang pinagt-tripan kami ng tadhana? Tadhana ba talaga yung gumagawa ng dahilan para mag-away kami at magkabalikan o kami na? Believe me or not, we tried. We tried so hard for us to be better.

Pero bakit ang daya daya?

Bakit parang ang unfair?

Bakit parang joke na lang lahat?

We broke up just days ago. I can say that things went pretty well after that. We were trying to be friends. Chill lang. Not until today.. when he surprisingly went to my house to pick me up. I got no idea what he was thinking. I made him wait. I was so shock and torn. I was stoned. I didn't know what to do.

I was so hurt for making his hopes up that I would say yes... Because I went the other way. I said no. I'm sorry but I got scared. I was trying to protect myself from all the what ifs and possibilities that may happen when I agreed to him.

And there, his eyes.. Tangina, I saw how they turned red and watery. I admit, it hurts to see him like that. Ang tanga tanga ko. I let my fears spare me when he was just asking for a one last chance to go out with him.

When I said no, fuck, I wanted to hug him and tell him how sorry I am but I could not move.

I was so lost.