Disappointment

The first thing someone will say to you, when you call yourself a disappointment is ''No you're not''. As if that's going to make anything better. Yes, I appreciate the fact you're trying to make me feel better but looking back on everything I have done, even to you, not to mention all the other people. – Yes! I have and will continue to disappoint anyone who steps on my path. When people say that to you they don't realise how many times you've proved yourself right, they don't realise that you've got a literal list in your head of all the reasons that make you the disappointment. I am not the perfect daughter, I am not the perfect friend, I am not the perfect student ...so damn it! How am I not the disappointment that I know I am? I can see the way my family thinks of me, I am sorry for not trying hard enough, I am sorry for letting you down and I am sorry for not being the daughter that you deserve. I see the way you think of other people my age that have jobs, driving licences, good grades and perfect lives and I am SO sorry for not being one of those people. You have no idea how much I envy them, how much I wish I was good enough to be, one of them. Not only have I let my family down but I also let my friends down. I started college a different person than I am now. I was bubbly, positive, vibrant, energetic, fun to be around, kind and protective of the ones around me. I still have those qualities, but I am different. I don't choose to see and point out the positives anymore, I accept the fact that theirs more negativity in the world and that I can't do anything about it. So what's the point of constantly pointing out the good? I am still kind and caring like I used to be, but I can be what people call a ''bitch'' and a ''cunt'' and a ''horny slut'' I snap and I break down and I verbally hurt the ones I wanted to keep safe. I let my friends down because they liked me for the person I was, before I broke. I was kind and innocent, that's what people valued and respected me for. Now where's my respect? I used to know what people thought about me, used to know what their opinions were. What are people's opinions now? What do people think of me now? I have no fucking clue! But I'm more than sure it's not all so positive. If that isn't enough, I let my teachers down too. I used to be shy and quiet in class – and I know that's not always a good thing- now I'm easily distracted, noisy and talkative. I never get my work done so behind in all of my work. I failed my GCSE maths retake exams and I say that without even having my result yet, I say that without even completing the other two maths exams I still have yet to do. I know I'll fail and I know I'll ruin it. I always ruin everything. I've become predictable, mean, stupid, distracted, an irrational thinker, unsympathetic at times and so much more – I have become everything I hated! So lastly, I have disappointed myself. That's what makes me the disappointment. Disappointing myself.