A Phoenix's Tears

Prologue

Out of all the temples in Nanjing this one is my favorite. Its architecture was exquisite, majestic in its own way. With high walls,red pillars and golden designs that outshined even the sun. This was also my mother's favorite place. We often visted this shrine when I was younger, before she died. It's the best memory I have of her. Praying repeatedly and asking Lord Buddha to bless our family and grant us longevity and peace. All that praying was a waste. A waste of precious time. Time that can never be regained.

The events leading to this moment have scared me for years. It's memory residing deep in my mind. The only comfort I have is that soon, it would be all over. A new life awaited me all I had to do was wait. I would be leaving soon, back to the palace, back to my children and back to my husband. I should be happy that all my hard work would be rewarded but as I sit here I feel nothing but misery. Misery and anguish that it all lead to this. This moment that would forever change my life.

How could this have happened to me? What did I do to deserve this? Can I seek retribution for what I've done? These questions often plagued my mind before I go sleep and after I wake in the morning. Yet of all the things I've done I don't regret any of it. I don't regret the pain. I don't regret the suffering and I don't regret what I'm going to do soon. I wouldn't change any of it. This alone was my burden to bear and only I could endure it.

My father once told me that women are weak, all they are meant for is child bearing and managing a household but he told me that I was different. I was not like my sister I didn't like the things she did or what I was expected to do as a young woman but I did them anyway hoping to please others. I was never educated in the way of the world. Politics and other affairs were always left to the men in my family and I was more than happy to let them deal with it. My interests were in other hobbies such as horseriding, archery and reading but my stepmother told me they were childhood fantasies and the reality was that I was worthless as a woman. But after living in the palace for over five years I realised they were wrong and I was an important person and a person of value. Not as a pawn but as a key player in the games of court.

Kneeling on the floor for over an hour was aching my legs but I had to manage. God rewared those who suffered for his blessings and I have definately suffered enough for it. The statue of the Lord Buddha was simply beautiful. I was amazed at its design but the priests were not. They had petitioned the emperor for a new statue to be built but the funds were low due to the recent uprising that occured. It was that same revolt that had led me here to this temple. My heart is heavy with sorrow for what must occur. The only thing I can do now is repent. Repent for the sins I have commited and the ones I'm gong to commit.

Memories flood my mind at that moment. Happy memories, sad memories and worst of all memories of betrayal and loss. I cannot change the past but I can change the future. All the bloodshed would soon be at an end and if its the ultimate price I have to pay so be it. I've waited for this moment for years and soon it would be upon me. Me and only me. I cannot bring myself to describe the feeling of relief that soon my torment of what was done so long ago would come to an end and I would emerge victorious. Having made a vow that I kept to myself so long ago. A vow of vengence and a vow of repayment for what had occured.

''My lady do you need anything?'' my servant asked me snapping me out of my deep thought.

''No I don't need anything. Is the general here yet?''

''No my lady, they say he is still at the port waiting for the other soldiers.''

''Send him a message to find the traitor by nightfall. I want this matter dealt with before I return to the palace tomorrow.''

''Yes my lady, also the Princess, your sister sent word asking to you to visit her.''

''Send her a letter telling her that I'm am busy and that I won't receive her after what she and her husband did. If she wishes for my forgiveness she has to earn it herself.''

''Yes my lady. I shall go now,'' the maid servant said before leaving the room hastily. She knows I do not like to be interupted during my prayers. However the general would be here soon and the sooner he is  here, the sooner the matter can be dealt with and the sooner I can return home to my family.

Its been nearly three hours of waiting and the anxiety of what is to come is plaguing my mind. I cannot sleep, I cannot drink and I can't even blink. My eyes are glued to the statue with tears streaming down my cheeks. Why did it have to come to this? I loved you and you betrayed me. My heart can't bear it anymore. To the side of me is a small purse containing something I never thought I would see again but yet here it is. My fingers are trembling so much that I can't even lift the purse. It's too painful. Finally I pick it up with all the stength I have left. I unloose the string to open the purse only to pull out an item that at one point in my life was the most precious thing I owned. A golden hairpin.

Its intricate design of my favorite creature still dazzled me. The jewels on its end were still shinny and it even brought back the same feeling I had when I fist received it. It was a golden pheonix hairpin which had adorned my hair for so many times. With this pin given to me by my beloved I felt like the most important girl in the world back then but now it only reminded me of the treachery I had endured. I was so busy admiring the pin's features that I hadn't noticed that my maid servant had approached me.

''My lady, the general has caught the traitor. They are near the forest area away from the city. The general said that you know the spot where you are to meet.''

''Yes I know, go ready the horses. I'm going alone.''

''But my lady you cannot,'' my maid servant stutters as I cut her off with my deathly stare. She knows me well and she knows that I won't be stopped. She bows her head and retreats rapidly. I should apologize to her but that can wait because now the moment of reconning is upon me. I glance up at the Buddha statue one last time before I raise.

Merciful Buddha forgive me for what I'm about to do