THE TEEN TOWN

CHAPTER SIX - SHALLOW

I have always had this theory that if you think about something or a person continuously for a very long time you start doubting its existence. It has been months now and when I contemplate of what I was doing a year ago and how situations where it makes me think, was that real? I've pondered over it for so many times that I have now developed a blurred memory of everything that has happened. Nothing seems clear now and just a series of unclear, confused and memories that were lived in unconsciousness. And surprisingly I like that. I used it as a tactic to forget everything and that has worked well but when I look back, things are just blank because over two years that factor was involved with a solid presence.

But the main part is when I think about Why it all happened or what made me fall in the pit, several complex answers pop up. Not trying to blame amazing Hollywood rom-coms that I was hitched to right from the 8th grade but it did make me desperately fall in love and as cliché as it may sound but yeah, I was in love with the idea of falling in love; but there's a catch again. I wouldn't say that I just saw it as a platform to be romantic and experience that feeling which I always wanted because there was spark in what we had, there was this comfort and warmth in our conversations and that unbearably strong emotional feeling that aroused. Thus, I can say that whatever it was, it was true and passionate. He did motivate me to an extent that no one did and made me realize this one thing that I had which was so precious so I don't regret being with him. Things didn't work out but at least my urge of feeling in love ended and I'm glad that it happened quickly so for the remaining years I know there are better things out there waiting for me.

They say that being cheated on is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. Mainly because you feel you weren't good enough but what if the person who you portrayed yourself to be in front of your significant other wasn't the real you? So it doesn't really make you feel that miserable. No I'm not saying that I pretended to be someone else for a year and a half, but I'm also not saying that I completely opened up myself as I am now mainly because I didn't know what really was going on with me? Yes it does feel bad because I opened myself completely about my insecurities, weaknesses, wildest dreams or innermost quest of achieving something. I did all of that but who am I kidding? I'm just a teen, a highly indecisive person so if I cannot stick to same handwriting every day, how the hell am I supposed to be sure about the person I am and about the things I want from life. After things ended, I didn't have much to do because obviously for almost two years my life revolved around one thing and now that one thing was in the garbage and I had nothing else to do so I started to think about alternatives that could fill in the place.

Subconsciously I started self-introspecting and going to a completely different atmosphere with a broken heart which made me reckless and boosted me towards trying new things where I'm still struggling to settle. So now when I compare myself to the person I was a year before, it's just the face that has remained the same. My opinions about people and what I seek from life have changed, I was hell bent on changing my stream to arts but now I'm in love with finance and so many things that are finally making life meaningful for me. So being rejected and getting replaced by someone else doesn't really matter to me much because I no longer am that person and to be a little condescending even when I was the worst of myself I was still the best for him, and when I think about him now (as an updated version of myself) I don't think I would like him as a person because my principles were abnormally different. Yes there was a feeling which I don't think I would have had for anyone else but then that's what life is all about – experience new things, learn from them, alter yourself from that and begin all over and start knowing every part of your soul cause 80 years isn't a long time to explore an adventure like you. "Only the shallow know themselves" and you know you're as deep as the ocean.

Change is the new constant so keep changing your hues and shades and then create a masterpiece.