Timeless

2

It's been a few days since I've written, but I've just finished this semester of college. I've decided to take the spring and summer semesters off and just be a bit behind. I need time. I couldn't focus on my exams, so who knows if I even passed.

I went to my second therapy session this week. Mr. Deal told me that it was okay to take some time off, but maybe take a couple of online courses so I don't get too behind. I might do that in the summer.

I'll be going back home tomorrow to spend Christmas with my family and her's. It'll be rough. I have a little sister who adored her. And she adored my family. She's been saying she couldn't wait to be a part of my family since we first started dating. I always promised that she would be, but here we are.

I miss her. We had made plans to meet halfway between colleges and I would drive us both back home tomorrow. She was hoping there would be snow on Christmas Day and that we would have a huge snowball war. I told her I'd win and she told me she'd throw a snowball in my ear. That's actually our own little joke. The first time she met my parents, it was in the midst of a massive snow storm in February and right before I went to take her home she took some snow, threw it, and it hit my ear. My parents were outside and saw and they laughed and gave her high fives. She later told me that's when she really fell in love with me and my family. She used to tell me how much she loved my family almost weekly. And they loved her too. This trip is going to be one of the harshest realities I've had to face this year.

She loved Christmas. But it wasn't the religious meaning she loved about it. Nor was it the baking of delicious cookies that her and her aunt would make every year, or the amazing food, or even getting presents from everyone. No, she loved buying and giving everyone else presents. I know so many people who try to say that they only like the giving part of Christmas and that "that's what it's all about", but out of all the Christmases we've spent together, the happiness she had from the presents she received was no match for the happiness she had while shopping for presents for others and watching them open their presents. She enjoyed the little pleasures in life. I kind of feel like in a psychological way she liked how she had control over another person's happiness, but I feel like that may be too cynical.

I really should pack up my things since I won't be coming back until the fall semester. However, I feel like I can't. I want it all to be timeless. I know that life moves on even after deaths, but it feels wrong to change anything. I feel like if I change even the amount of dust that is on my dresser beside of this picture frame of me and her, part of her memory will leave me and then it'll just create a snowball effect. But rationally, I know that change can be good. I know that I need it. But how can I change with this nagging fear inside of me? It controls every thought I have and every move I make. I used to like changing things up until now. It's ironic, now I hate change, but I myself have changed and I don't want to change back. Maybe I should just leave all of my things here. I never shared a dorm with anyone, maybe the custodians can just throw it all away. That would be better. Have someone else change it for me. That way I wouldn't be directly involved with this massive change that's going to happen no matter what. However, I would still be directly involved. I feel as though I'm going insane now. Maybe I need to start seeing Mr. Deal three days a week.

I suppose I need to go and pack now. My heart feels heavy from thinking about her so much today. I'm going to miss that beautiful genuine smile come Christmas morning. And her excitement of trying to get me to open the present she got me first instead of anyone else's. Her's had to be first. But her's were the most thoughtful by far. They weren't socks or even the Xbox game I had begged for. They were thoughtful gifts that I never would have thought to ask for. She got me a pocket watch one year. I love pocket watches, but I hate spending the money on good ones. I'd never been so surprised. At that point I only had one other which had broke a few months earlier and I never even mentioned that I wanted another. I didn't even know I wanted another until I opened that little box. But what I loved most about it was how proud she was that she surprised me with something I loved. She was beaming and it was so infectious. I miss her smile so much.

I need to pack. If I don't now, I never will. Maybe I'll reminisce and write more tonight. But I doubt it. I'll be too much of a mess from being surrounded by all of the oppressing sadness.