Dreamless

Why do people have to face this? The hardship of breakup especially when a person truly loves the other. And the other seems unrequited.

You know Diana I have never told you this, but every time we argued, well most of the times, I go and sit in the same seat we sat by the lake. I clear my mind there looking at the clean water and its soothing motion and rhythm. But I always knew that even if we argued like the worst people in the world, I had a bosom to return to when I came home. We only held hands physically in this place and all the rest of the times, I just imagined you holding me spiritually.

Now there is nothing though..

You are not here physically or spiritually..

I fucked up everything from the start to the finish. I never understood her and I couldn't bring her what she wanted. Instead, I mistreated her, abused her and by doing that I ruined myself. But Diana.. were you committed..?

You said we would solve everything together.. You said you would never leave.. You promised to not leave me again.. and I promised you too. Yes I threatened a lot about leaving and to be free, but, I loved you too much. I can't live without you and I am experiencing this now. Tell me Diana..

Has it been easier for you to move on?

Did you finally get your wish of being free..?

You got your wish by forcing a break up, but you made a frozen heart in me once again. The emotions that returned to me while I was with you, they are slowly slipping away again and I feel no remorse or regret for being cold and stone. I don't want to go back to that hell. I really don't want to lose the things, the happiness you brought to me.. I don't want to feel loneliness anymore..

Diana, why didn't you understand your the person that I was able to convey all my emotions to.. My anger.. my happiness.. my sadness.. my jealousy.. You are the person I trusted with my heart and soul, were you actually thinking about me when you left..?

And guess what all the blame will be on me, because I was abusive, because I was mistreating you, a kind and innocent girl. Everyone thinks you as the kind innocent self righteous girl.. But I was never scared to show the world the real me.. The lonely me.. As long as I was true to myself.. It feels good.. and it shows.. how little everyone cares..

Why are there tears running down my face..? I don't feel anything, I feel nothing..Then how is it that I am crying?

I sat a little more relaxed trying to stop the tears falling. Even though I am shattered and broken, even though she isn't coming back, why do I still believe in the future we wished for. Why do I still think we will be married? She is just a typical girl who leaves after having a hard time commit.. Yet I love her so much and I believe she will understand. I am dumb.. stupid.. for trusting my heart over my mind. To believe that love at this young age could last.. I was so sure though.. We would have two little tiny babies.

"Daddy?"

I suddenly froze at the sound of the word.

It's the voice I imagined her to have.

I looked up and I could see two apparitions, a little girl and an infant boy holding her hand. Wow they looked just like here..

"Daddy..Why are you sitting here..?" Nida asked as she was getting closer to me.

"Go away.. BOTH OF YOU JUST GO.." I shouted looking at the ground and waving my hand for them to leave.

Both of them flinched back a little but did not stop their advance towards me.

"GO I SAID GO! WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU TWO WILL NEVER BE BORN. YOU WONT EVER COME TO LIFE. JUST LEA-" I was stopped as two hands grabbed mine.

I looked up and I could see Nida holding one hand while mumu was holding the other firmly.

"We will come to life Daddy."

"Mhm..come to life.." Mumu tried to squeak out.

"How just how..I am not going to marry other girls.. I am not going to date anyone.. Only one I ever wanted was your mother.." I said hopelessly as tears started to fall down my face.

"And you will get mommy.. Daddy you just have to believe.." Nida said as she held my face as mumu sat next to me.

"Daddy.. I believe in you.. Both Mumu and I believe in you.. I know you will get mommy back.. I know its tough right now and your in despair.. But if I know you Daddy, even after all the pain and hurt u gave and got in return.. It didn't waver your love for mommy.. So i believe you.. I believe the sweet family life we will have.. You making breakfast for us.. Going to the theme park .. kissing mommy in front of us and mumu and i grossing out.." She said smiling while tears were falling from her face.

"Ew.. Nida disgusting.."

Both mumu and Nida were smilling.. while tears were falling..How could they have so much faith in me.. How come they believe in the future..

"Believe Daddy.. trust your heart.. you will get mommy.. after all.. you love her.. and she..-"

They disappeared.  Why did they have to disappear.  I held my arms out hoping both of them will come hug me.

"No.. Mumu.. Nida.. Daddy still needs you.. Don't leave.. Don't.." I said while i broke down in tears again.

I need them.. Diana we promised these kids that they will come to life.. we promised a future together.. my mind says to stop hurting myself.. but my heart says to follow you.. pursue you... To make these children enter this world.. I don't want them to enter this cruel world and suffer same fate as I did..But i wont let them suffer...

I will follow my heart.. I will follow you Diana.. The red string is not attached to you anymore.. But its certainly not broken.. I just have to find you and tie it back on you once more..

Once more.. and forever.