Dear Ash,

Forgive Me

Dear Ash,

I miss you.

I went to visit you today. Did you know that? Could you tell I was there?

We met on this day five years ago. Do you remember that day?

You saved me. I was ready to end everything, but you stopped me. You took the blade from my hand and looked at me with more caring and compassion than I had ever seen from my own family.

I think I started to fall in love with you that day, but I bet you already knew that. I was too scared to admit it, to you or myself.

I'm not scared to admit that I love you. I wish I had been able to do so sooner. Just like you always said to me, I did too little, to late. I didn't realise just how important that saying really was. I didn't understand what it meant.

I do now. I understand, now, Ash. I understand how my confession is not enough now. My love can't bring you back to me. It can't bring you back to your parents.

Did you know your parents still don't know about me? I've wanted to tell them but I can't bring myself too. I can't let them know that it was all my fault.

I'm broken, Ash. I feel trapped in this place. I feel like I'll never be able to reach you again. I feel like I'll never recover.

Is heaven as beautiful as it is in paintings, Ash?

I know you're in heaven now. Someone as pure and perfect as you couldn't have ended up anywhere but beside Him.

I've always wanted to see heaven. Even more so now that you are there. I didn't want to live when I heard what you did. I still don't want to live.

Maybe I'll see you soon, My Dearest.

You would be so disappointed in me if you knew how often I thought that sentence. I don't want to be alone anymore.

Maybe you'll forgive me in heaven.

Love,

Alex

A tear fell from my stinging eyes and onto the paper. I sniffled and wiped at it, taking care not to smudge the ink. I wanted this letter to be perfect.

I picked up the letter and carefully folded it. I held the letter in my hands like it was a fragile flower. I felt like it would fall apart at any moment and I wouldn't be able to do anything to fix it. Ash was falling apart and I didn't even realise it was happening. I carefully squeezed the folded paper into the stuffed brown box. The other letters glared back at me. They seemed to be mocking me without ever saying a word.

I started to push the box out of sight and back under my bed where it belonged, but I couldn't. My hands fell heavily down to my side.

Each of these letters contained a piece of myself. A piece of what Ash and I were.

I wrote every single letter. This was only one of three boxes. There had to be hundreds of letters packed away. No one would ever see them. I wanted to send them to Ash, but I didn't have the courage. Even if I did have the courage to send them, she couldn't receive them now. Once again, I was too late.

All I did was hurt Ash. I didn't give the same kindness I received.

Her family had to experience the loss of their child all because I couldn't do the same thing Ash did for me. I wasn't strong enough.

I was selfish and didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want them to know I was hurting bad enough I almost killed myself. I didn't want them to know I fell in love with the person that saved me. So I didn't. I didn't tell anyone. And that alone is what killed the love of my life.

I ignored Ash in public. I couldn't open myself to that attention. I didn't want anyone to know how much I really loved Ash. I didn't want anyone to know how much it killed me to see Ash pushed around. I loved my saviour, but my fear kept me from being the same thing.

I stared heavily at the letters. I knew what I should do with them. What I should have done with them long ago. I owed it to Ash's family.

I grabbed the large mailing envelope I had gotten long ago but never used. I slid the papers inside gently. Each one I removed from the box felt like a dagger to my heart. I felt like pieces of my soul were being ripped to shreds. This was all I had left of Ash, but I knew I was doing the right thing for once.

I emptied all three boxes into the envelope. The yellow package was bursting at the seams. I licked the seal, so numb to my own actions I couldn't taste the sticky substance. The tab stuck down and held tight.

I addressed the package to the parents of someone who died at far too young of an age. Carefully, I wrote the address I had memorized so perfectly when I was younger.

I peeled up a stamp and stuck it in the corner. The prepared package seemed to weigh a ton as I walked to the end of my driveway. I put the large package inside and flipped the red 'pick-up' flag. I gazed inside at the stuffed envelope. Even as big as it was, it wasn't enough to hold enough memories of Ash and I together. Not enough to hold all my guilt.

I slammed the lid and ran back to the safety of my home. I could feel tears pushing at my eyelids once again. I found the hidden bottle of alcohol and took a swig straight from the bottle. I stopped in the kitchen and grabbed sleeping pills I had tried to hide from myself years ago.

I was succumbing to my demons. Demons that had haunted me for far too many years.

Don't worry, my Dearest. We will be together soon.

"We'll be together soon," I whispered aloud.