Last Moments

Last Moments - ONE

Seungri look at himself in the mirror,he feels devastated.He feels sad.He feels anger.Not to anyone but himself.He feels anger why can't he just be happy?Why can't he just be in real happiness like how everyone else get?Why him?Why isn't he allowed to be happy?Why is the moment when he was trying to accept himself for who he is,the thoughts will come.Haunting him day and night with unknown time.He feels too numb to be broken.Standing in front of this mirror looking at his mess face crying reflection.Is this the same Seungri?The same Lee Seung Hyun that he saw smiling widely in his photo when he was really young.Is this,sad pathetic Seungri is once that happy and bright Lee Seung Hyun?

He can't just simply accept his life and why?Why can't he just fucking accept how he is and go on with his life.He wishes he could make happy memories in his life just like other people who right now is studying their ass of for the next upcoming exam,while him?Crying in the bathroom nearly for already 3 hours alone.And the worse,he don't think he can survive this,yet he can't call anyone.Because he don't want to burden them.His parents is just too busy with their work at night and always left him alone.

Its not that he hate his parents nor his friends.But he feels anger,huge disappointment.Because everyone said they will be there,so where are they now?Why is nobody here?It simple.It because all that is just a reason,plain reason or way for people to keep him stay.The painful truth is,nobody is even here for him.He was all alone.Forever alone fighting his depression in addiction to his anxiety and bipolar disorder,can he do any worse?Oh yeah,maybe eating disorder,he had been crazing leaving food and do crazy amount of exercise just to lose weight.So why?Why is he still not happy?

Seungri face palm his face trying hard to stop the tears that seems like have no ending for tonight.He is just to tired.He is tired of being strong.Tired of faking those fake smile.Tired to just ignore what people did to him.It hard to do all that when you are naturally a soft from the inside.Its not easy to just suddenly changed from soft to cold ice.

IT IS NOT EASY.

Seungri look at his hand with his blurry eyes,his shaking hand,shake out of too much anger,stressed,pressure,heavy thoughts,everything.Living is pressuring him.He can't afford to keep fighting and living anymore.Nothing goes wrong,he just got stabbed too many times by the people who told him,promised him,make him that was hard to trust people,to trust them.Then,within a second,they break the trust that Seungri had tried so hard for months or maybe years.He is speechless.He doesn't know what to do,who to trust.Do you ever know what is it feel to live your days,with a fear that someone will betray you again?Can you?But Seungri can't.Everything seems possible when he tries to stop his hidden self harm nearly a month ago.But now,all he wants is just to cut his vein and just die.

What is the point of him being here?He is just a burden to his family.He doesn't have sense in fashion.He is those nerdy that people make fun of at school.And the pain added up when the one who closed to you,are the one who always try to pick on you,but well in a joke way.But its still so fucking hurt.He just don't know about himself.In some way he wants people to actually care but then,he pushed them away saying he is fine alone.People blame him for that.

He is just scared,the broken pieces of him,is going to hurt anyone else.

Then what should he really do?Die.That is the only option he has to all this never ending thinking.He is too tired.Too tired to even think about anything anymore.So what if there people who care?Everyone leave eventually.So,for once,let he be selfish and left.And he will never return to this world anymore.He will leave everyone for goodness :)

His best friend will no longer have to deal with his low self-confidence or mood swings.His parents can have extra money for his younger study.All the people he always disturbs when he was sad and he wants to take his mind off and joke around.Everyone will be happy without him here.He is not needed here.And he finally can make up his mind.He wipes the tears away,trying to stand up with the help of the sink,he walks out to his room,walking toward his table then he looks at his phone,he saw the wallpaper of he and his boyfriend.

If he keeps staying at this world,people will never accept him.And this guy,will also soon leave him.He doesn't need him,because he has a bright future and good looking.He will have more option better than Seungri.Seungri pick up the phone with his shaking hand,he looks at his boyfriend smiling face.He will miss him.

'I wish I was born with better self.I wish I was never this weak.I wish you will never meet someone as horrible as me.I'm so sorry for existing.'

Seungri cry hold the phone tight in his hand,he holds the table to hold his body up since it was falling down to his shaking knees.Without he realize,he accidentally pressed the call button to his boyfriend number.But he just too immersed in his own thoughts and sadness to realize all of that.Nothing matter anymore.Because he had already lost all his hopes.He gave up.

"Hello?Seungri?" Jiyong voice echoed from the phone speaker but Seungri just keep crying his heart out thinking that voice is his imagination of Jiyong here.He wishes he will be here.But he won't.He won't do that for the useless person like Seungri.

"I'm...I'm so sorry..." Seungri said with hoarse and broken voice due to his nonstop crying.

"Hey?Honey?Yah!Are you crying?!" Jiyong shout panic as he heard Seungri broken voices.

"I want..t.to..di...die.." Seungri said bursting into more tears and hugging himself alone letting the phone fall on the floor,he don't bother to care about that anymore.

TO BE CONTINUED