•••Thoughts•••

Heartbreaks & friendships

I remember the first time I got my heart broken. It was not a guy, and it was at the same time.

Going back at that time of my life is weird, because I don't feel connected with that past self anymore. I don't know what loving a guy feels like anymore. I don't know what eating up your pride, wanting only that person and that person alone is like, romantically speaking. But I remember, I still know and feel, what it is like to be in love with a friend. To me, friendship has been what crushes are to most teenagers. Not because I romanticized them --or at least I don't think so--, but because I divide those years depending on who my best friend was.

I only had that one love, back when I was 15. It didn't last long, and I don't feel any special attachment to this person as of right know. But I'll always be reminded of him, nonetheless.

However, that friendship that broke my heart along with the heartbreak itself of finding yourself facing the adversities of a teenage excuse of a relationship, still pushes some bottoms inside of me. Still reminds me of the pain, the hurt. Even if I don't hold grudges anymore, I can still, slightly feel them.

We don't talk anymore. We grew apart. However, hate never took over. I'm happy to see where her life is right now. It hurt me to see her in a bad relationship, and I wished we were close again so that I could help her. But I came to terms with it, and now we're just strangers who once were sisters.

It appalls me so much how all of these people that once meant so much to me now are just blurry memories. Some clearer than others, but still overshadowed by the feelings that stayed after our time together ended, rather than the actual facts, the actual life experiences we went through together.

I remember, clearly, myself crying desperately in that roof. I'm dramatic enough to feel the need to go to a certain spot to cry, in the sight of the tallest buildings of my hometown and the polluted, starless sky of the night. Crying out loud. Never holding it back. Feeling my world tremble.

I am also reminded of myself holding my wireless home telephone, back when I still used it to talk for hours with my so called best friend, crying in the corner of my room, sat in the floor, with my mum looking at me with the utmost fear in her eyes. Someone broke her little girl's heart. She never liked my friend again after that.

After all, the real struggle was realizing I couldn't keep picturing her as the perfect friend I had always wished for, when such think doesn't really exist. Not losing a boyfriend. That was something that happened simultaneously, but didn't really matter. Although it still hurt at the time.

I've got my heart broken quite a lot of times after that. But it's been quite a long time since I last cried over a failed friendship or felt betrayed, disappointed by one. I'm in a content place. I'm actually happy. And I strongly believe, I've got all those heartbreaks to thank for that. They've made me the stronger minded person that, I believe, I am today.

She's still got a place in my heart, and she most definitely always will.