Dear diary,
Its a term used loosely that I named this chapter my mother.
Because although not to be mean and ungrateful to my step-mother.
I believe I have the right to say, I have no mother. I have someone who gave birth to a little girl and then disappeared.
I know what "mother" looks like, very often compared to my dad, I have seen resemblance to the woman who carried me for 9 months.
And when spoken of this in therapy, or spoken of this at all. I cried. and cried. and cried.
Then I deny missing what I don't know.
I have had meaningless gander with said mother more than once. Ganders that hold promise and hope. Ones that I later realized would be know called "Missing mother talk"
I know where you live, and you know mine. And even if You didn't. In the era of technology, and the fact that I keep your number and social network, should have meant something to you.
My dad every so often ask "Have you spoken to your mother?"
Ill reply "No" and Ill leave it at that because I never know, what else to say.
The last time we talked was 2 years ago. It was a little bit after my birthday and I was also getting to know, Your sister. I spent time there and I got to know my cousins and aunt. I even got to see my Sister. One of many from your womb.
I know them. My sisters. Your daughters.
But at the same time, I don't.
I am not your daughter. We don't have said bond. Just like you are not my mother.
Instead you are what I often think of as a ship, one that provided me with transportation into a life where I could find myself.
I will not skirt around the truth though.
From stories I have heard and angered opinions from my father's side of the family towards you.
I was not a planned child. I was not a relationship child. In fact I remember someone telling me, that not even my father had known I was born.
You, 'mother' found my fathers sister and abandoned me at the age of 2. Seeing as though, I have literally no connection to the idea of you as my mother. It means you abandoned me before I was even 2. Before you had even decided that you needed to ditch me, your youngest and last daughter. Your last child.
I don't know the stories of my other siblings. I have given up contact with most of your family, due to my past, or maybe your past.
I would love to say that your decisions and false hopes have not made me fearful. hateful. and somewhat a somber person. But I can't.
I can't wish you bad, but I can't wish you well.
So instead I am wishing you goodbye.
Sincerely,
S
