My story

So here goes...

The 17 years of my life and I'm going to tell it to you...

Some good, some bad, some unthinkable and some amazing.

But yeah.

I was born into a family that didn't know the concept of love on 30.01.1997

My siblings.. We clung to each other for love and ultimately it was my sister who brought me up.

My mother... I never realised who she was until 2013.. But I used to hear stories quite a bit and never realised the truth in them.. She didn't know how to love me.. Maybe she thought she did but she never showed it. She never showed it to any of us.

I constantly watched her beat my dad up. Physically, emotionally and mentally abusing him.

Me, being 5, never thought anything of it. I thought it was normal until I'd go to friend's houses and see that their mums and dads were all lovely and happy towards each other. I can never call her mum again and I regret every time I ever did.

My dad .. Moved out when I was in year 6 and that's when I was caught with the decision of who to live with.. I wanted to say dad but I was so petrified of what my mum would do that I had to say half half..

And that's where it leads to the age of 10...

Age 10....

I was beginning to feel hopeless, like nothing in this world could make me feel better. I felt stupid and sad and like I didn't belong in this family, nor did I belong in this world. I felt as if no one wanted me.

I discovered there were ways to release the pain without anyone knowing what was going on.. I'd constantly turn my shower to the hottest it could be and fall asleep while it turned my skin red and sometimes welt.

I did this for so many years when I couldn't find happiness and wanted the pain to go away temporarily...

2012...

The year I started trying to make it worse.. My head was a mess.. I couldn't think and it was becoming physically painful for me to breathe I was that sad.. My mother would blame me for everything. Tell me I'm hopeless and then next minute pretend it never happened. I found the sharp objects and started attempting to make myself bleed.. Nothing was sharp enough so I'd rely on scratching myself with razor caps, scissors, knives..

I couldn't think of any other way to help myself...

2013... Wow probably the hardest year I went through in my entire life.. I went to Adelaide and found myself sitting alone a lot because I couldn't cope with being around people so much:.

I came back and it was my birthday.. The day before.. My mum turned up to my dad's doorstep yelling at him and demanding to see me.. I ran into my room and started scratching my arms...

On my actual birthday, I was thinking of ways to end it.

The next 2 days.. It was time for her house again.. And I remember her telling me she'd never allow me to move to newcastle.. That day I found staples and I finally saw blood come out of my wrists.. I was mesmerised..

I couldn't believe it was bleeding after the months of trying...

That year... I wrote suicide letters for everyone I cared about.. I'd sit in class and write them because I had lost all motivation to do anything.. I'd given up..

My little sister saw the scars from the staples and spoke up to her family who told my dad.

I remember seeing my dad's face that weekend as he pulled down my sleeves.. He didn't see them.. But I knew what he was looking for.

The following week.. He talked to me about why he had been crying all week.

I had to tell him about everything.. And that's when I decided to move in with him permanently.

I stopped talking to her on the 21st of February.

I started to see a psychologist and she's helped me pick up quite a lot..

And then it came crashing again.

Around May., my best friend stopped talking to me.. I actually had no idea what to do because he knew everything about me.. I'd told him things I'd never told anyone else.. To this day he still isn't talking to me.. That's the month I tried to end my life.. Because the most important person in my life stopped talking to me.. Man I can't even begin to explain how much it hurt and absolutely killed me inside. I broke down every night.. Just wanting him to message me back. To this day I don't have a reason why.. He just left without a word.. I dont blame him. No where near. I never have and I never will. Everytime i meet someone new, i look for his traits in them. Because he was my best friend.

I've learnt to deal with seeing him around, I used to have a breakdown when I'd see him, these days, I try to walk on and forget I saw him.

Many of you will be like "ugh no! Not a 'bible basher'"

But honestly, God is the most important person in my life. If I'd known then how much he can repair and make you whole again, I would never have leant on anything or anyone else for support through my dark moments.

Throughout my life, God has been the one who is there 100% by my side.

I never realised it until i stopped and saw it. He had been working in me, so I'm living the rest of my life for Him now! ❤️

Don't underestimate the power of God! He will look after you until your dying day!

2014...

I'm the one at school that nobody likes.. I've lost a lot of friends and it still hurts..

I'm the grade joke and I know it.

People I thought were my friend treat me like I'm dirt so I find myself asking my dad a lot if he even likes me.. And he never understands where it comes from.

This year my sister told me about a time that I was crying because I was hungry.. And my mother came in with a knife because she couldn't stand it..

My sister saved my life by locking me in a room with her.

I owe an ultimate part of my life to my sister who has guided me and shielded me from a lot of the crap I don't even know yet about my family.

I couldn't begin to thank her enough!

I have officially made it to Graduation, I am Graduate of Year 12, 2014! WOOHOOOOOO!

It took me years to find the courage to write this, took me forever to find the words to explain how I felt. Please don't hate.