Suicide Notebook (U-KISS)

Chapter 2

21/07/2013

Stupid.

My teacher is stupid.

Only two minutes unaccounted for and I get scolded like a five year old.

My school is stupid.

Idiots can’t seem to leave me alone.

You’re stupid.

Because I'm letting what's basically my blood spill on your pages so I don't imagine my head hanging by a rope so often.

This is pathetic. Stupid.

I still can't and won't believe that the only thing that's able to keep me from having suicidal thoughts is writing in a goddamn book. 

I hate this.

I hate you.

I really do.

And if you think that will ever change, think again you lifeless thing.

Soohyun shut his notebook with a 'slap' as he stared out the window that was being pelted with raindrops. His hand held onto the silver chain with the pendant that he treasured and vowed to keep safe. It was only after large chunks of ice - hail - had started hitting the window that he looked down and slowly and carefully turned the pendant around so that he could see the words engraved at the back.

I’ll be with you forever, don’t ever forget that.

 - Mum

Soohyun read over the words, frowning more and more every time he re-read them.

I believed you. The boy thought. I believed you, yet you weren’t able to. All because of 'him'.

Soohyun’s life changed when his mother passed away.

And it was 'his' fault.

His mother was born with a weak heart; she wouldn't even have been alive if she hadn’t been saved by the doctors. Because of this, she wasn’t able to take stress or pressure as well as a normal person would. Soohyun was well-aware of these things ever since he was able to talk. Unfortunately, there was one thing he wasn’t aware of.

And that thing caused her to lose her life.

Have you ever heard people say that they could’ve gotten a heart-attack because someone scared or shocked them?

Yes, she wasn’t able to handle that either.

A 10 year old Soohyun had found his father standing and staring at his wife’s body on the floor of the living room, lifeless and cold. Soohyun had been upstairs, shielding his ears from his parents’ screams that were below him - they had been fighting again.

When Soohyun was 9, his parents had started arguing, mostly because of money. At first, it happened about once or twice every few months, but the amount of times they fought increased before his father lost his job, leaving his mother to work 2 full-time jobs on weekdays plus her weekend job which was tutoring. His father turned lazy, making the two argue more with Soohyun now hiding in his bedroom because of the screaming. It was all the same until the last fight the two had.

Soohyun knew that there was something wrong when his mother gasped after he heard his father screaming louder than usual. When he heard a thump before hearing complete silence, he had bolted out of his room and down the stairs. His heart had stopped when he saw his mother on the floor, her eyes piercing straight through his soul as frothy white stuff slowly trailed out of her mouth and hit the floor.